Cinderella Around the World

Fairy tales are a perennial favorite with children. They appear in all cultures. Infused with regional/national flavor and history, they hold common elements. They offer an easy and effective way of broadening your child’s involvement in the greater world. (This is important as technology shrinks our modern world and increasingly reinforces our connection as citizens of the world.)

Yeh-Shen

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The Gift of the Crocodile

The Cinderella tale, for example has been shared through the generations around the world. While young readers will recognize the fundamental similarities, they will also be fascinated–perhaps even surprised–to see the myriad ways in which the tale can be tweaked. In addition to cultural nuances, some Cinderella tales spin a yarn with a male hero. This provides a fun and unexpected twist and demonstrates another way in which difference can be embraced instead of feared.

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The Irish Cinderlad

Reading several versions of a tale like Cinderella, can also jump start a child’s imagination and help him to understand there isn’t necessarily only one “right” way for things to be. Why not explore the world through Cinderella’s tale? You’ll find many chances to talk about your child’s beliefs about magical solutions, persistence, kindness, bullying etc. These are important topics that you will want to be intentional about nurturing and shaping.

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The Salmon Princess

Some versions of Cinderella infuse the tale with

regional flavor like, The Salmon Princess: An Alaskan Cinderella, or Cindy-Ellen: A Wild West Cinderella, or Smokey Mountain Rose: An Appalachian Cinderella

Cinder-Elly

Others recast the story the tale in a contemporary light, like Cinder-Elly which is a rap-type retelling with an urban setting. Check out the book cover array for additional suggestions. Invite your child to create his/her own version of the tale. Will the hero be male or female? Contemporary or from times past? Set locally or in a more exotic land? Have fun!

Perhaps your child will rewrite the story so that Cinderella creates her own solution instead of being rescued. Start the project and see where it leads you.

AQ Lens. As I’ve consistently written, adoptive families live with the duality of being seen as both the same and different from biologically formed families. Reading versions on a Cinderella theme can easily segue into conversations about how one’s adoptive family is also a variation of a family–not better or less than–yet none-the-less different. Children may share some of their complex feelings about this “different-ness.” Such big feelings are a lot for a child to shoulder alone. A book that helps kids bring their thoughts into the open and get the support they need is well worth reading.

As you read stories that differ culturally, read with a sharp eye for any bias in the texts and/or illustrations. This too,is an important lesson: look at things with a judicious eye and do not accept something simply because it is in print, on-line, etc. Start early to teach your children to be savvy, critical thinkers.

Souping Things Up

Pumpkin Soup written and illustrated by Helen Cooper unfolds a reinterpretation of the classic “Stone Soup.” This retelling features many delightful twists. As in Stone Soup, the characters work together to create a tasty concoction. A bagpiping cat, a banjo-strumming squirrel and a singing duck joyfully prepare marvelous pumpkin soup. “Everyone has his own job to do. Everyone is happy. Or so it seems…”

Then the story shifts to a new direction. No longer about collaboration and pooling of scarce resources, Pumpkin Soup now focuses on the tension among the former friends. Duck isn’t content with her assigned task. She insists on trying her hand at stirring the soup. But, Cat and Squirrel wish for things to stay the same. Duck insists on having her chance to stir. The friends quarrel. Angry and frustrated, Duck leaves the cabin.

The story continues to unfold as Squirrel and Cat come to wish they had given Duck a chance. They worry when Duck doesn’t return. “Not even for lunch.” Young readers will readily identify with this conflict-among-friends scenario because it happens so often in their own lives.

The book does a great job of capturing the character’s frustration, remorse and most importantly their commitment to their friendship as well as their willingness to repair the breach. Their solution provides an excellent template for readers to embrace.

Pumpkin Soup offers an important reminder to parents as well that we must allow kids to try things. Although it takes longer and often results in a mess or in parents having to be satisfied with a less-than-perfect performance. The reward is a child’s increased competency and a reinforcement of their willingness to persevere through multiple “imperfect” attempts to ultimate success.

Five stars

AQ Lens: Many adopted kids avoid trying new things because they feel that failure will result in loss of acceptance, approval and at their most anxious level of fear, a loss of their family.

As Cat and Squirrel worry about their missing friend, they wonder if Duck has found “better friends.” It would be an easy segue to talking about loyalty among friends and then on to discussions of family permanency.

“You’re Lovable to Me” Forever

In the vein of Love You Forever by Robert Munsch You’re Lovable to Me by Kat Yeh and illustrated by Sue Anderson sends a reassuring message to children that their parents will love them unconditionally. Mama’s love is steady whether bunny is “sad…or he’s frightened…or she’s lonely…or he’s worried…or she’s mad….” In other words, Mama loves her little ones when it is easy and when it is challenging. Children need that reassuring message repeated regularly.

As in Munsch’s book, the story extends the thread of unconditional love back to the grandfather as he tucks a blanket around his now-adult daughter. What a lovely way to model the permanent need we have for nurturing, kindness and caring-in-action.

AQ Lens: Adopted children benefit from frequent reassurance that they are fully accepted into the family, that their belonging exists independent of their measuring up or behaving in a certain way. The story does this well. It’s gentle illustrations exude a sweet nurturing feel. Moreover, the behaviors and emotions that the story mentions cover a broad spectrum.

This creates an easy teaching moment for exploring the complexity of emotions which children experience and can help them develop a broad vocabulary of emotions. This helps children identify and manage their feelings.

My Family Is Forever by Nancy Carlson features an Asian-American child–with Caucasian parents–and follows common themes in children’s books about adoption. First, loving relationships define families; they need not look similar in order to be a family. Second, it describes the parent’s yearning for a child, their working with an adoption counselor, their struggle to wait until receiving a referral, the parents’ plane flight to meet their child and, finally the child’s thoughts about her birth parents.

The story concludes with the familiar refrain, Families are forever.”

AQ Lens: Adopted children enjoy hearing their adoption stories and they take delight in knowing how happy their parents were to have them join the family. This story does a good job on that count.

I wish it included more direct reassurance that the adoptive parents welcome the girl’s questions and mixed feelings about the more difficult/painful parts of adoption. (When reading My Family Is Forever, parents can take the opportunity to hold that exact conversation!)

Adoptees know through direct experience that families can be broken apart. It’s already happened to them at least once (when they were separated from their birth families.) Thus, in an attempt to reassure children, adoptive families are frequently described as forever families. It is important that adoptive families also convey that their birth families are also forever a part of the adoptee.

(I wish we could coin a new phrase that reassures children without subtly implying that their birth family is somehow no longer a part of them. Suggestions and discussion are welcome!)

Stormy Skies for “Cloudette”

It’s easy to feel insignificant in a big and sometimes scary world, just like little Cloudette. In Tom Lichtenheld’s Cloudette, adorable pictures are mixed with a “big” message teaching us that sometimes you have to look at the beyond to realize that your contribution is important, no matter how small. In the story, a cute little cloud felt left behind when the big clouds ran off to do big and important things. She held herself back from joining in the cloud fun because she didn’t feel good enough about her stature to do big and important things.

One day she finds herself in a far away place where she could be anyone she wanted to be. It was there that she found out her purpose. Although small, she realizes she can make changes and help others. When she started helping others, the big and important clouds took notice. Cloudette realizes it isn’t her size that matters. Other people don’t get to decide what makes her “big and important” it’s how she sees herself that matters and makes herself big and important. This book has delightful illustrations, adorable clouds and humorous dialogue that would really engages children and adults alike.

AQ Lens: Sometimes its not easy for children who come from difficult situations to feel “big and important”, and even needed. Even if they ARE needed, sometimes it takes a long time to accept the feeling. Reading Cloudette can open up dialogue for parents and children about feeling needed and loved. This is such an important topic to cover in conversations because sometimes children need to hear the words, “You are needed” instead of just being shown.

For example, in my own experience I always felt that the one person who was supposed to “need” me (my birthmother), didn’t and that’s why she put me up for adoption. No matter how much my mother would show me “you are needed”, I didn’t necessarily believe and accept it. Talk to your child about this. Don’t just assume they know. Sometimes hearing it direct is so important. Kid’s don’t always understand subtlety.

I Wish You More …

I Wish You More by Amy Krause Rosenthal and Tim Lichtenfeld delights visually and embodies an important concept: life is complicated. It includes joys and sorrows, ups and downs, twists and turns and surprises that delight as well as some that disappoint. Like a well-balanced meal, the life is richer and more nuanced when it includes both the sweet and the sour, the difficult and the simple.

Kids tend to see life in terms of black and white. I Wish You More uses this duality in a way that helps readers understand that along with challenges, joy follows. Like a beautiful garden which depends on a blend of sun and shade, moist and dry spells, a full life blooms with lovely moments that counterbalance the storms, sadness and tears. In the contrast we more deeply appreciate each.

The wonderful illustrations by Lichtenfeld breathe life into the words . The spare text helps readers to understand that hard things do occur and that they are balanced out by the happy, the thrilling and the tender moments. Instead of falling into the trap of seeing things as all/nothing, sad/happy readers can appreciate that life is filled with a spectrum of experiences. They get to choose on which they will focus and who/what will define them.

While this lovely book is intended for youngsters, like Oh, the Places You’ll Go by Dr. Seuss, I would assert that it will touch the hearts of all who read it. (I gave a copy to my daughter who will marry in just a few days.)

#AQParenting Perspective: Adoptive families can feel the message of this book deeply because our lives have been shaped profoundly by the losses and gains inherent in adoption. I Wish You More lends itself to conversations about how positives can replace negatives, happiness trumping sadness and gains bridging losses. One does not erase the other; each is real, touches us deeply and sculpts our lives. I enjoy the fundamentally optimistic tone of the book and rate it 5 stars.

Stick and Stone: A Story of Friendship

Stick and Stone written by Beth Ferry and illustrated by Tom Lichtenheld is a delightfully unexpected spin on the way we usually think about sticks and stones. Instead of being “weapons,” Stick and Stone are two characters in a sweet but powerful story. Sparse prose brilliantly captures the budding friendship of two solitary loners: Stick and Stone. They discover that everything is better when shared with a friend. Lichtenfeld captures the depth and range of their friendship in simple, bright illustrations that pulse with warmth and coziness. When Stone is bullied by a mean and prickly pinecone, Stick comes to his defense, using his words not his fists. “Because that is what friends do.”

Stick’s intervention on behalf of his friend is a model for the power of one individual to make a difference. (Refer to last week’s blog The Power of One.) Stone is surprised by Stick’s brave gesture. Stick replies that is what friends do. Readers will connect with the moment of friendship in action, of loyalty and courage to speak up. Kids know what it is like to need that buddy. They also understand how challenging it can be to stand up against a bully. This story offers a chance to place themselves in both situations and imagine how they might feel, think and act. Later in the story, Stone has the opportunity to return the favor of friendship when he rescues his friend Stick. Again the refrain “That’s what friends do,” is repeated.

The AQ* Lens: We’ve all heard the adage, “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.” We all know the fundamental untruth of this saying through direct personal experience. Words have immense power—to heal, to connect, to divide and to destroy. As adoptive parents we know we must prepare our kids to face the dreaded day/s when a rude remark about adoption, birth parents, being given away, etc.

We can use words to empower our kids. Provide them with an arsenal of respectful adoption language. Help them to reframe ignorant remarks as an opportunity to educate other kids, even adults. Unfortunately, sometimes the speaker intends to shame, humiliate, or insult. If that is the case, do not minimize the experience. This would invalidate the reality of their experience and create a relationship disconnect. Instead, talk about why other kids might not understand adoption and how that can create fear and misunderstanding.

It’s never too early to teach kids about personal boundaries—especially around their adoption. Help them to understand the distinction between private and secret. Adoption is not secret. Nonetheless, parts of their story are private—not for general discussion with any/every curious person. They need not feel obligated to divulge personal information just because a question is asked. (This goes for us adults as well. The best way to equip kids with firm boundaries is by our own example. As they observe us when we encounter intrusive, inappropriate questions about their adoption, our children can “study” our respectful, courteous “boundary-establishing” response.

Decoding the Puzzle: Social Interaction, Personal Space and Appropriate Conversations

Mastering the subtle, non-verbal social cues is a daunting task. For kids with a less than smooth start in life, often this skill is poorly developed or is overwhelmed by hyper-vigilance. Unless children are taught how to read the “secret” messages of body language, some kids will never learn it. This will leave them confused and often can lead to social isolation.
When they don’t speak the language of behavioral cues children remain on the outside of the emotional/social conversation. The subtle hints other kids give may quickly become far less kind and patient and become mean and lead to bullying. A growing gap will arise.

Without adequate social skills, a child will struggle to mirror the emotional states of others and may respond inappropriately to the overtures of other children and adults. Instead of feeling “mirrored” they may misinterpret other people’s responses and feel mocked and unsupported. Even worse, they may feel threatened which might trigger a complete meltdown, and/or a flight/flight/freeze response. How can you assist your child in mastering the complex task of emotional literacy and the language of social cues?

One excellent resource is a marvelous book by Julia Cook titled, “Personal Space Camp.” With a deft sense of humor and zany illustrations by Carrie Hartman, this book tackles the complicated concept of personal space. Louis, the confused main character loves the world of outer space. But when it comes to personal boundaries, Louis is clueless. His frustrated teacher arranges for him to attend “Personal Space Camp.” This thrills Louis. He is surprised to learn that he will not be an astronaut exploring.

Louis is, however, entering unexplored territory: the world of personal space boundaries. “Personal Space Camp” is entertaining and informative without being preachy. It conveys important information that will assist kids that lack an understanding of social cues.

Julia Cook has written several other books that delve into the confusing world of social cues and interaction. One that is also quite helpful is, “I Can’t Believe You Said That.” (Illustrated by Kelsey De Weerd, it features multicultural characters.) The story helps kids discern the difference between saying something true: ”You are fat,” versus something that is appropriate: “You are a good cook.”

I wrote this article for Growing Intentional Families Together (GIFTfamilyservice.com ) and have modified it slightly for this blog.

Wanting to Be Different

Children often complain that they don’t want to be: skinny or fat; tall or short; blonde or brunette; curly-haired or straight-haired; etc. Their lists can be lengthy and changeable. They want to be anything else except themselves. Dev Petty’s picture book I Don’t Want To Be A Frog hilariously captures these universal feelings of frustration which all of us have—children and adults. The comical illustrations by Mike Boldt are eye-popping and full of hidden jokes for the adult reader. (This is a definite plus because I predict, children will request this book over and over.)

Imagine being Froggy—wet, slimy, and stuck eating bugs—lots of them. I mean seriously, pretty yucky, right? He yearns to be cute, cuddly and warm like a cat or a bunny. He’s even willing to settle for a pig or an owl. Mama frog patiently points out all the reasons why Froggy can’t be other than himself. But the most convincing argument comes from a surprising source: a very hungry wolf. Wolf savors the taste of rabbit, owl, pig and cat but turns up his nose at the thought of eating a slimy, wet bug-eating frog. Froggy is relieved—and safe. He celebrates by dining on his favorite treat a succulent fly!

It’s easy to appreciate the obvious message conveyed in I Don’t Want To Be A Frog: being yourself is the best choice. For adopted children this is an especially pointed lesson. It offers a great talking point regarding the talents, inclinations and abilities which they received through their birth parents. Families can highlight and celebrate these differences as things of value.

Often we concentrate on identifying ways that our adopted children are like us. Commonality equates to connection. It is equally important, however, to notice, validate and encourage the differences which our children bring to the family. These add value, texture and variety and are an important part of them. These differences enrich our families; they do not diminish us. A Five Star read.

Enjoying the Magic of Invention and Self-discovery

Andrea Beaty has created a spunky heroine in Rosie Revere, Engineer. Behind the shrinking violet who fades into the background at school, Rosie is a visionary with big dreams of becoming a “great engineer” and the talent to match. She creates inventions from her vast collection of found “stuff.” Rosie Revere, Engineer does a fabulous job of capturing a young child’s creative delight and the immense pleasure they enjoy in sharing their creations with the people they love. (How many times have you heard a child chime, “Look what I made!” Remember their exuberance, their pride, their need to have your acknowledgement?)

As a young tot, Rosie proudly shares her inventions with family until the dreaded day that her uncle–gasp–laughs at her masterpiece. Rosie feels judged and belittled by his laughter. Despite Uncle’s reassurances to the contrary, she believes he’s laughing at her. In typical child-fashion, she generalizes from this one experience, is convinced she lacks talent, and is devastated. Fortunately, her drive to create is untamed but she decides not to share her inventions anymore.

“After that day [Rosie] kept her dreams to herself.” She’s lost her spark and sits in her classroom “not daring to speak.” Rosie hides her creations until her namesake, great-great aunt Rose appears on the scene.(Adults will recognize her as an echo of Rosie the Riveter a cultural icon of World War II fame.) The two are kindred spirits. The elderly aunt confesses that she has an unfulfilled dream: to fly. Her aunt’s admission rekindles Rosie’s courage and confidence in her ingenious inventions. Although Rosie fears failure, she embraces the challenge and sets out to create a flying contraption that will fulfill her aunt’s dreams.

Alas, her zany cheese-copter crashes. Just like the dreaded uncle, great-great aunt Rose laughs at Rosie’s designs but with joy not judgment. “You did it! Hooray! It’s the perfect first try! This great flop is over. It is time for the next!” Rosie learns to be proud of her failures, to round up her courage and keep trying until success is achieved.

David Roberts’ quirky illustrations are charming and so expressive. Each offers many discussion points to be mined. As I read this through an AQ* (adoption-attuned) lens, this story offers many wonderful nuggets. Themes that infuse the story include: diversity, “shyness’, recycling, ingenuity, viewing the world with an artist/inventor’s eye, women as capable, failing forward teamwork, confidence, resilience, persistence, being true to oneself, and owning one’s unique gifts. Wow! Jam packed, fun and visually delightful, this story offers an easy window to discussions about hidden talents and how they may have a genetic origin. This offers a natural segue to positive mention of birth parents and how biology helps to shape who we are.

I highly recommend this book. it is a five star gem.

I Had a Favorite Dress

Change is difficult for children. I was delighted to find this aptly titled book : I Had A Favorite Dress by Boni Ashburn and illustrated by Julia Denos. It connected with my own experiences. As a child, I too, had a favorite dress. It had a pale dreamy peach-colored bodice and a white knife-pleated skirt. How I loved that dress and how bereft I felt when I outgrew it. (More than fifty years later I can still picture it and how I felt when I wore it AND when it no longer fit.)

That dress represented so much to me. I felt pretty, stylish and grown up. It gave me confidence which, as a shy child, I valued. When it no longer fit, it was a tangible sign that I was different–older and the things expected of me were different. This both excited and intimidated me. Clothing plays an important role in expressing our individuality–for children and for adults. It’s the packaging we use to present ourselves into the world. So it is no surprise, to some of us, clothing is a Big Deal.

It certainly is to the spunky main character in this charming picture book. (She is unnamed and her ethnicity is open to interpretation. A silver star for diversity.) Like her, I loved “making things” out of stuff. (Still do!) At first, she despairs when her dress no longer fits, but then creativity inspires her! She devises a plan to reinvent her favorite garment and enlist her mother to accomplish the makeover.

With each reinterpretation, the original garment becomes smaller and smaller until barely a fragment is left– only enough to … Well, you’ve got to read the book to learn its final incarnation.

As always, I like to put on my AQ* glasses and view the book through the lens of Adoption-attunement. This book is a fun romp through creative problem-solving. It models a resilience to change without beating kids over the head with the message. (As adoptive parents, we are very familiar with how challenging change can be for our kids!) Kids will enjoy discovering how the little girl creates each new version.

Have some fun as you read the book. Pause to predict how you might reinvent the “dress” at each stage. Ask them to think about something in their own life which they treasure and which they are on the verge of “outgrowing.” How might they redesign it to extend its life? Mother encourages her “not to make mountains out of mole hills.” For kids with temperamental emotional thermostats, this is a way of watching others work through their “disasters.” The story easily lends itself to discussing recycling, and maintaining an attitude of possibility and solutions. Enjoy. I rate this book a five star read.