Who Is A Worthy Mother

In the title of her excellent book, Who Is A Worthy Mother, Rebecca Wellington asks a pivotal question: Who is a worthy mother? Her well-documented research spotlights factors that usually remain unacknowledged or dismissed. A narrow and biased lens imbued the policies, beliefs, judgments, and decisions that saw adoption as the best solution. This bias determined which women society viewed as worthy to parent their children. By default, it also identified which women they advised/pushed to place their children for adoption.

 When making these decisions, they gave little or no attention to the cultural norms and traditions of non-northern Europeans. Wllington’s analysis shows that often the desire to convert children and “civilize” children in ways that erased their cultures, family connections, and traditions. This agenda often held a higher priority than the children’s welfare and judged their mothers as not worthy mothers.

A viewpoint of adoption as totally benign

Infused the calculus of the “costs”/benefits that adoption conferred on a child was entrenched. It disregarded the life-long trauma to both birth mothers and adoptees and minimized the intense losses and grief they experienced. Society deemed adoption appropriate because the narrow lens of societal norms could not see these women as worthy mothers.

But of course, the losses of birth mothers and adoptees are far from trivial. Our support systems for and analysis of the criteria by which we determine who is a worthy mother need a substantive overhaul. We must prioritize the needs of mothers and their children over the yearnings and needs of prospective adoptive parents.

This book provides a much-needed historical perspective that exposes many uncomfortable truths about the motivations, policies, and practices that have shaped our cultural thoughts and beliefs about adoption, birth mothers, and adoptees. Everyone connected to adoption should read it.


Listen to GIFT Family Services’ newest podcast, ADOPTION MATTERS: Real People. Real Life. Real Talk. 

This podcast looks at the adoption experience through the eyes of three of our adoption coaches: Sharon Butler Obazee, an adoptee; Kim Noeth, a birth mother, and Sally Ankerfelt, an adoptive parent. Their conversations explore how one’s position in the adoption triad influences their experiences and responses.


You can still listen to our original podcast, Essentials of Adoption Attuned Parenting for many informative and useful conversations.

Mother Child Separation: You Weren’t with Me

Mother-Child-Separation-You-Weren't-with-MeEvery one of us knows the pain of separation from someone we love. Children experience maternal separation with particular pain. From the moment of parting through to the long-anticipated reunion, their emotions spin. You Weren’t with Me by Chandra Ghosh Ippen  Is a lovely, tender book that addresses the tumultuous, intense and complex feelings that children confront when they are separated from their mother.

Whether caused by divorce, illness, deployment, incarceration, or adoption, the child is puzzled, heartbroken, afraid, and angry when separated from his mother. That stew of emotions is difficult for children to parse, to define, and to express. The delicate illustrations of a rabbit mother and bunny by Eric Ippen Jr. brilliantly capture this complexity in an almost magical way.

Regardless of the length of the separation, it feels like forever for the child. The child feels unmoored, unsafe, and alone. Even after a reunion occurs, their emotions do not quickly return to quiet stasis. Often, they hold back and remain angry and distant. Throughout the story, the mother gently listens with an almost-sacred patience. She resists the inclination to dismiss or invalidate her little one’s feelings. And responds with, “I’m sorry I wasn’t with you. We are together now… You probably felt so alone.”

Because the mother listens without trying to diminish the bunny’s feelings, he feels safe enough to continue to share: “I worry that you will go away again… I don’t trust you.”

Mother validates Bunny’s experience throughout the book. Because the story never specifies why Mother was gone nor does it mention how long they were separated, readers can personalize this aspect for a particular child’s experience. The text does a superb job of addressing a spectrum of emotions and concerns and models a very empathetic “serve and return” interaction between child and parent. I highly recommend this book.

AQ Lens: Because I work with adoptive families I have a particular interest in finding books that open conversations about adoption-generated thoughts, feelings, and experiences WITHOUT actually being overtly about adoption. This book would be a superb read for an adoptive family. Children who were adopted beyond infancy will be able to identify with the bunny’s wishing that his parents had been there with him from the beginning to allay his fears and to provide security. This book can serve as a great way to spark important conversations.

Listen to GIFT Family Services newest podcast, ADOPTION MATTERS: Real People. Real Life. Real Talk. This podcast looks at the adoption experience through the eyes of three of our adoption coaches: Sharon Butler Obazee, an adoptee; Kim Noeth, a birth mother, and Sally Ankerfelt, an adoptive parent.

You can still listen to our original podcast, Essentials of Adoption Attuned Parenting.

The Joy of Discovering One’s Voice

What happens when the future king of the lions dreams of playing music instead of leading his pride? The young cub’s behavior scandalizes the inhabitants of the savanna. Instead of following in his father’s very large shadow, hunting stealthily and roaring menacingly, he blows melodious notes. This break in the assumed order distresses his father and worries the other animals. It just will not do. In the future, who will keep them safe?

His dad, the current king, composes a list of all the characteristics needed by a future king. The cub is crestfallen. How can he meet his father’s demands and still follow his dreams? He is torn between making his father happy and fulfilling his destiny and responsibility as the Future King. Young readers will recognize a common spirit in the young cub’s words, “Oh, how sad it is when no one understands you.”

On a proverbial stormy day, while soothing himself with his music, the cub hears an animal crying for help. He immediately dashes in to rescue the frightened creature

Adoption Attunement Perspective

Often children’s ideas of what interests children runs counter to parental expectations. This happens more often in adoptive families because they share different DNA lineages. The child’s aptitudes, interests, and skills are not necessarily in sync with a parent’s desires for the child. The family must work to find ways in which the child can flourish and in which they can mesh as a family. This sweet story models a solution and helps lay out a sample approach. Cub and king struggle to find a middle path–one which fulfills the cub and works for all. He becomes “The Happiest Lion Cub”!

Aaron Slater, Illustrator

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The stellar partnership of author Andrea Beaty and illustrator David Roberts deliver another winning and inspiring book. Kids will love “Aaron Slater, Illustrator. (My six-year-old grandson served as my test reader—he was impressed. He loved the colorful and zany illustrations—and he easily appreciated Aaron’s journey as a confident, kid comfortable with his own uniqueness to one who tries to hide in the shadows. The illustrations artfully reflected Aaron’s transition. They began with mages of Aaron that were jam-packed, dynamic, and beautifully showcased his colorful, confident personality.

When this boy who LOVED stories and books, struggles to learn to read, his confidence fades. He loses sight of his value and begins to doubt himself. Robert’s illustrations depict Aaron’s efforts to blend in and fade into ordinariness by leaching out more and more of his  “trademark” color and pattern.

With his classmates, Aaron advances to Grade Two. Beaty’s rhythmic, rhyming text tells the story of his ongoing inability to learn to read and how his struggles dim his personal light. Instead of his kaleidoscopic wardrobe, Aaron now dresses “In his simple white t-short and matching white shoes./He tries to keep up. To blend in. And to hide./the tangle of feelings he carries inside.”

Things come to a head when the teacher asks the children to write a story based on themselves. This presents a huge problem for Aaron. Because he still hasn’t mastered reading, writing his story feels impossible. On the dreaded day that he must stand before his classmates and share his story, he struggles. His classmates’ eager, staring eyes intimidate him. Still, he tries… and begins to tell his story. Vividly. Brilliantly. Although his paper is actually blank, he is an artist with his words.

His teacher is moved to tears. Knowing that he is also a skillful artist, she invites him to paint a mural. He creates “The Illustrator’s Garden”. The children are delighted and Aaron learns “His art makes a difference.”

His challenges do not magically disappear. Aaron continues to struggle with reading. However, bolstered by having his talents recognized and valued, his confidence grows and he is able to continue to strive. “Like all imperfect heroes… he must do what he can and hope for the best.”

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Adoption Lens: Many adopted children struggle with learning disabilities so this book is a great choice for kids who struggle in school. Everyone benefits when their individual and unique talents are appreciated and valued!

Desmond Cole Ghost Patrol

Meet Desmond Cole, the lead character in a series titled Desmond Cole Ghost Patrol. He’s a charming, resourceful, and friendly boy who just happens to be a ghost hunter! In the initial book of the series, Andre Miedoso has moved into the house next to Desmond. Adventure and friendship soon follow when Andre learns that his new home is haunted. Yikes! Desmond comes to the rescue and Andre learns a lot about himself as well as Desmond. Along the way, they face challenges with good humor, persistence, and inventiveness. A rich and satisfying friendship begins.

There are several titles in this series, so young readers can enjoy many more adventures with Desmond and Andre. This series introduced my five-year-old grandson to chapter books. When I asked him what he liked about them he replied, “They’re like watching a YouTube video!” The books have increased his interest in learning how to read for himself which I believe is a great benefit.

The characters are multicultural but this series does not focus on issues; it captures the boys as human beings enjoying friendship, finding purpose, and simply being kids.

Adoption Attuned Lens

Kids who were adopted spend a fair amount of time fantasizing about the “what ifs” of their lives–mysteries to which no answers exist. For example: What if I had never been adopted? What if a different family had adopted me? I wonder if my birth parents are sorry? and more…

The mysteries such thoughts might suggest are unsolvable. Nonetheless, the wondering does happen. I suspect that children might find kindred spirits in the insatiably curious Desmond and Andre. Parents can ask children to talk about some of the mysteries and fears that they encounter. Conversations may remain light and silly, or they may reveal some heartfelt wondering with which they need parental support.

Being “Liked” Should not be Scary or Humiliating

Maybe He Just Likes You is a remarkable, timely, and important book that highlights one of the difficulties of middle school relationships: learning to set and honor personal boundaries and the easy slide into harassment.

As hormones flood their bodies and transform them into young women, teen girls are not only excited and proud, they can be confused, uncertain, and intimidated. They enjoy their new grownup look and the attention that their transformation elicits. But they find that some of the attention–and pressure—is unwelcome.

This negative attention can come from girls and boys. Some girls may be both curious as well as jealous. Some boys may find themselves attracted yet don’t respond in appropriate ways that respect the girls without being predatory or intimidating.

It’s a conundrum. It is scary and humiliating. Girls want to be attractive and they want to be respected not objectified. Maybe He Just Likes You chronicles one girl’s terrifying experience of being the object of unwanted attention by the boys in her class. They design a game in which they gain points for touching Mila’s body—without her permission—and for embarrassing her or causing her to respond to their unwanted attention.

When she turns to her friends for support, they accuse her of thinking she’s imagining it and overreacting. As Mila gets increasingly overwhelmed, she turns to a school counselor for help. Unfortunately, her assigned counselor is on maternity leave. The basketball coach is serving in her place. All of the boys who are bothering Mila play on the team. Mila declines to discuss specifics with the coach so he dismisses her concerns, advising her not to be too sensitive because Boys will be boys. Coach’s relief exceeds his concern for Mila.

One of the things I appreciate about this book is that it highlights the need to educate young men on what sexual harassment is. Most of them didn’t intend to actually hurt Mila; to them it was simply a game. One which they could laugh off. For Mila, the situation was neither funny or trivial. It was downright scary. Humiliating.

The boys need to gain a sense of what it costs girls who are targeted and harassed. Boys must learn appropriate ways to interact without insulting or intimidating the girls in whom they are interested.

We must discard the outdated idea that if a boy likes you, he might be mean or hurtful to you. If we want boys–and men to treat girls and women better, we must teach them how. If we want girls to have agency and self-confidence, we must teach them how to set and hold boundaries. Being scary or intimidating is not a healthy way to express interest, appreciation or relationship.

I feel that this book should be required reading for middle schoolers, their parents, and their teachers. We have minimized this kind of harassment and intimidation by boys for too long. The toll it takes on girls and women is high and it must end.

Defining, holding, and respecting boundaries is probably one of the most important life skills which we all need. Yet few of us ever receive specific training in how to establish boundaries or in how to respond to the boundary setting of others. Operating by guess just will not cut it. Everyone needs guidance and practice to refine their boundary skills to proficiency.

Adoption Attuned lens

Like all middle schoolers who face experiences described in this book, adoptees also face additional challenges around boundary setting as  relates to their adoption. Puberty imposes a fuller  understanding of the extent to which adoption has fully realigned their lives. Identity issues come to the forefront for all teens and are particularly complicated for adoptees. They must  wrestle with the multiple strands of their identity—braiding the elements of their biology with the elements of their lives within their adopted families. Like Mila, they need support from adults who empathize and validate the challenges they face.

Building Connections and Relationships

As a homeschooling grandmother/teacher, I was delighted to discover Awesome Engineering Activities for Kids. This is a gem of a resource. My five-year-old grandson loves to build things— Legos, clay, sand, Snapcircuits, craft sticks, Styrofoam— he loves them all. He and I are both rather inventive and have built many things together this past year. In the process, he has learned so much (math, sequencing, following directions, the joy of discovery, etc.) The most important gain he made was awakening his sense of curiosity.

This is important because curiosity fuels learning. When we are interested in a topic, we are driven by an inner urge to know more. Because the learning is self-directed and not other-imposed, it does not feel like work to him. Intrinsic motivation is powerful and empowering.

Awesome Engineering Activities for Kids is a recent acquisition to our homeschool library. What a gem it is! This book contains 50+ Steam activities. [FYI: STEAM = Science, Technology, Engineering, Art, Math]

Most activities use materials that you probably already have on hand and/or are very inexpensive. These activities are fun, intellectually stimulating, and immerse kids physically. They are not just watching; they are engaging, learning, and having fun.

Adoption Attuned Lens: Many of the activities included in this book depend on making firm foundations and solid connections. What a great— and obvious— metaphor for the connection we strive to forge between ourselves and our children. Sometimes a construction collapses because an important connection was omitted and/or weakened.  Again, this fact demonstrates physically what we know intellectually and emotionally: We need all our important relationship connections.

When building these projects and/or evaluating them upon completion, it would be easy to slide in a “conversation seed” along the lines of I see how important each piece is to ensure that the result is stable; relationships are like that too. What do you think? How can we help ensure that you feel that your foundation is solid, that you have all your important pieces connected?  

I offer my usual caveat: let your child determine if he/she wishes to pursue the conversation. The important thing is that they believe you are interested in their thoughts and feelings and that they don’t have to sanitize or whitewash them.

Check out my other book reviews

Building Fun and Family Connections

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Building Structures and Towers

Many of the books I am reading and reviewing this year fit easily into a homeschooling environment and include both fiction and non-fiction selections. I am homeschooling my five-year-old grandson so my thoughts reflect his responses to the books and activities as well as my own.

He’s a kid that loves to build in any and every medium possible so this “Young Engineer” series really appealed to him. The text (with a bit of editing on the fly as I read to him)  was informative and held his interest. The activities completely engaged him. They were easily made and used materials that we had on hand. I am an avid recycler, so we had lots of materials from which to choose. 

Suggestion:

Google the term “maker space” for lots of ideas on how to learn through making things out of “found items.”

Kids learn best when

an activity entertains as well as informs. These books present many ideas and projects that also get kids thinking about “what if” variations. They will move beyond rigid right/wrong solutions to the excitement and possibility of improving, redesigning, and reinventing the suggested project. Along the way, they will explore–and interact with–scientific concepts in a hands-on way that enhances learning and encourages discovery.

Equally important, the activities are also intriguing for the adult supporting the child. Remember don’t tell them what will happen. Awaken their curiosity with questions, e.g., What will happen if… or Can you think of a different way to do that? and What if you changed one thing…?

Adoption Attuned Lens

Just about any homeschooling activity can provide a gateway to an adoption-sensitive question. It doesn’t even have to mention adoption. AS you explore and build point out how even small changes can create big shifts. If the child appears open to it, ask him to talk about how something caused a big shift in his/her life, e.g., changing schools, a new house, a friend moves… To where would you like to fly? Where would you like to build a bridge? Who would you visit in your vehicle…”

Attune

to your child’s willingness to go to a deeper level and talk about some of the What ifs of adoption. If they seem open and ready, take the conversation there. Take your cue from your child. As soon as they show discomfort, back off. Keep your tone and body language warm and inviting. Research has shown that adopted children think about such things and often don’t know how to raise them with their parents. Reassure them of your willingness with your words and actions.

                What if you were adopted by someone else?

                What if you were not adopted and remained with your birth family?

Remember, the most important homeschooling lesson is that home is where you learn how to build safe loving relationships.

Monsters Can Make Great Friends

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I thoroughly enjoyed The Monster in My Basement written and sung by  David Preson, and illustrated by Heather Lynn Harris Charming, delightful, and joyous! Will David be the monster’s dinner guest or his dinner? Does the monster consider him a friend or food? Monsters can make great friends, right? Right?

I shared this entertaining book with my five-year-old grandson. He’s a hard nut to crack when it comes to books. He’d much prefer to be in motion. If he’s reading, his preferred topic is anything that goes vroom! He found The Monster in My Basement engaging and enjoyable.

The riotous story offered the added benefit of some valuable messages: be kind, help out at home, don’t pre-judge things, and choose to be brave. Harriss’s imaginative illustrations explode with color that reflects the romping energy of the story. David’s music drew my little one in so that we shared a fun and worthwhile read together. The repeating refrain enhanced the suspense and increased our engagement in the story. My little one could easily empathize with the hero’s fear of becoming the main entrée for the monster family. The “surprise” ending satisfied and pleased him. I highly recommend this book and sincerely hope this duo creates more books. The publisher provided me a review copy.

AQ Lens: This book has nothing to do with adoption but it does speak to the realities of being a child. Sometimes we have to face our fears, take a chance, and reach out to others. I appreciate the way the boy and the monster, although they come from very different worlds, they are able to bridge their differences and become friends. Learning to build relationship bridges, navigating different worlds, and being/feeling different from those around them are all issues with which adoptees regularly wrestle. They can see how monsters can make great friends. This book was darn good fun to read and it dramatized some important aspects of childhood. The publisher provided me a review copy.

Check out my other book reviews

Every Kid Has a Story to Tell

Bear’s Book by Claire Freedman and illustrated by  Alison Friend is a charming story about friendship. Bear faces a Problem: he has run out of books to read. Undaunted, he decides to write his own book! Bear gathers his materials. He has everything he needs except… a Big Idea and a clear Beginning, Middle and End to his story.

Bear postpones his project in favor of a good back scratch in the woods. There his friend mouse approaches Bear and asks for his help. Bear, being a great friend, naturally agrees to pitch in. He ends up helping a series of his animal friends each of whom has a unique problem.

His friends are grateful and Bear enjoys helping them out. However, his story remains unwritten. Bear returns home intent on completing it. As he recalls the details of his day’s adventures, he realizes that he has the perfect story to tell. He buckles down to create his book

At the end of the day, his friends visit bear with a thank you gift—a basket filled with fresh berries. Bear then shares his book with his friends. In a delightful and unexpected twist, a fold-out page opens to reveal Bear’s book that is based on the adventures the friends shared that day.

Young readers will easily discern the benefit of helping out their friends. They will also delight in the idea of creating their own books based on their individual adventures. This would be a great project for parent and child or as a classroom activity.

AQ Lens: One of the tasks which adopted children must handle is to organize the facts of their lives into a cohesive story. This book can spark a willingness to work on such a project. Kids can add extra details in the future. Illustrations can be drawn or photographs from their own life could be used. Even if kids are reluctant to actually create the book, parents can encourage a conversation that talks about the elements of the child’s story which they might want to describe.

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"Bear's Book" by Claire Freedman, a book review