Empathy Is an Inside Job

empathy-is-an-inside-job-I-Am-Human

November … thoughts of Thanksgiving, family and festive gatherings come to mind. I can think of no better way to mark this important time than by focusing on having empathy and being kind, inclusive and responsible for our own choices. In her book I Am Human, Susan Verde reminds readers that it is important to be kind, not only to others but also to oneself. I appreciate this focus. I believe it helps kids to accept themselves, to recognize that they are always in the process of learning, trying, failing and trying again. No one starts out as an expert; increased competency and skills result from trial and error. And practice!

Having the courage to try and then to keep trying even in the face of difficulty,  is essential. When we hold empathy toward ourselves, it helps open the door to having empathy toward others. Once children recognize that they need not hold themselves to standards of perfection, it is a logical step to hold this same understanding toward others. They begin to see that all people are faced with the same life journey of learning through practice. All of us want encouragement from self and others, not ridicule, kindness not criticism. We need empathy and tolerance in our world now more than ever.

Peter Reynolds masterful illustrations make the perfect context for this upbeat book about our essential humanity. It highlights both our commonality and our diversity

AQ Lens: Adopted children frequently wrestle with feelings of insecurity and fear of rejection which frequently expresses itself as perfectionism. It is commonly thought that kids unconsciously choose this strategy as a way to ensure their adoptive families won’t have a reason to reject them as their birth families did. (As adults, we know that adoption is not “caused” by a child; it results from very complicated and serious issues that are no fault of the child.)

This book helps to open conversations about kindness–especially kindness towards self– and can lead to important sharing of intimate vulnerabilities with which a child wrestles. Focus first on how “some children” might feel or think. Be open to sharing some of your own fears and how you nurture empathy for self and others. Ask open questions like, “I wonder if you think about …? Or, “I wonder if you worry…” Or, “I wonder if you are angry with yourself, or your birth mother or …”

Do not press the point. Focus instead on creating a security within their hearts and minds that you are willing and able to hear whatever your child thinks and feels about himself, adoption, family, community, etc.

 

I have reviewed I Choose by Suzin Helen Carr previously. This little gem is an award-winning indie-published book yet many may not have heard of it. Written by Suzin Helen Carr and illustrated by her then seven-year-old son, the book visits various moments when a child–or adult–is called upon to make a choice. For example, what to wear, how to feel, what to see, do, eat or play. The darling illustrations bring the ideas to life in a way that will appeal to kids. I think it will increase their ability to notice and appreciate the many “choosing” opportunities that occur in their day.

The message of “I Choose,” will certainly resonate with adults who share the book with their child. Suzin has also written a version of “I Choose too” an adult version of this illuminating book. Readers can breeze through this short gem of a book very quickly. Better yet, pause and explore each page. This book can trigger many possible and significant conversations with your child. You just might be surprised by what you discover about one another.

It is essential to teach children–and to remind ourselves–that we have the power to choose and that we are responsible for the choices we make. Accountability and integrity are as important as empathy. All are essential for a society to function successfully.

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