And Tango Makes Three in a Family That Is Not Like Others

As adoptive parents we thoroughly understand that families come in a stunning array of sizes, colors and combinations. We work earnestly to help the world to see and accept our families as legitimate. It is important for us to support all different kinds of families, to help spread understanding and respect for parents of every shade and stripe.

And Tango Makes Three is a charming book that presents a sweet story of “family as different” but still very much a family. On the flyleaf of the book is this quote: “In the zoo there are all kinds of animal families. But Tango’s family is not like any of the others.“

While its characters are animals, its message of kindness and tolerance rings true for humans. Tango is a chinstrap penguin who lived in the Central Park Zoo in Manhattan, New York. His mother had more babies than she could raise, so Tango was placed with other parents. The metaphor for adoption will be obvious to children who are adopted. It will appeal to all kids because they like to know that parents are always going to be there for them to rely on.

Back to the story line. Remember, this is based on a actual events. The zoo keepers deliberated carefully and finally chose parents to care for and incubate the egg. They selected a bonded pair of males–Roy and Silo–to be the new parents for the unhatched egg. They developed into nurturing parents who successfully hatched Tango and cared for him exactly the same way the other penguin parents cared for their babies. In one way Tango’s family was quite different from the other penguin families: he has two daddies. But in every other respect, Tango’s family was just like all the others. The story line

The message of tolerance and inclusion in the story is clear but not overbearing. The overarching tone is one of caring, kindness and connection, of seeing families loving and being loved. The beautiful pastel illustrations by Henry Cole create a soft, dreamy backdrop for a tender story.

“Forever Fingerprints”–A Legacy

The wonderful adoption classic, Forever Fingerprints by Sherrie Eldridge is being reissued by Jessica Kingsley Publishers. An adoptee and a staunch advocate for adoptive families writes, who LIVES the adoption journey, Sherrie connects with adoptees’ hearts and validates their experience. Forever Fingerprints, a picture book serves a younger audience than Sherrie’s other books. Behind its simple story line, Forever Fingerprints models adoption-attuned* relationships. It speaks to child and parent. As an adoption coach as well as an adoptive parent, I know it is important for parents to clearly establish that adoption is a suitable topic for family discussion. While this may seem obvious, to children it is not. In the absence of expressed permission, kids will assume that adoptions conversations are off limits. They will fear that it might hurt their (adoptive) parents if they talk about their concerns, mixed feelings and sharing their thoughts about their birth parents. And so, many wrestle with heavy worries weighing down their hearts. Forever Fingerprints is an easy and enjoyable way for parents to talk about some of the “hard stuff” of adoption.

Forever Fingerprints, captures a common moment in an adoptee’s life—being blindsided by a routine event that triggers a young girl’s awareness of loss or difference which results from being adopted. Specifically, Lucy discovers that her aunt is pregnant. Lucy is tickled to discover she can feel the baby move when she taps her aunt’s stomach. It is easy to see how this leads Lucy to wonder about her own birth mother. This story helps reassure Lucy that like all children, she too, was nurtured inside her birth mother’s body. And, just like other babies, she was born. Research has shown that many adoptees experience confusion around their origins. Some even imagine they were “hatched” or arrived by airplane. Forever Fingerprints presents offers a teaching moment that helps normalizes Lucy’s own origins. Parents can ask their children to share their ideas of their own birth. (Be prepared to be surprised by what they think!) I like how Eldridge has used fingerprints to establish both the child’s uniqueness as well as her connection to her birth parents.

I have shared this book with children who have no information about their birth parents and no possibility of communicating with them at adulthood. These children still have curiosity about and longing for connecting with their roots. They feel the weight of this void. Having the fingerprint link assisted them in feeling that they had a permanent reflection of their birth parents. In Forever Fingerprints, Lucy’s mother is attuned to her daughter’s roller-coaster emotions. Mom validates Lucy’s feelings and helps her to see several ways in which her birth parents exist within Lucy. This serves as a wonderful model for both parent and child readers. Parents have an example of how to handle the situations. Children have an example that it is both safe and reasonable to have questions and feelings. I recommend this book because it helps both parent and child. Families can easily replicate the fingerprinting activity.

On one of our GIFT Family Services retreats, we completed a similar project—a fingerprint tree. (View our creation at left.) Although very simple, we were all touched by the experience as we could see how each of our fingerprints enhanced the beauty of the tree. This is a wonderful metaphor for the value of difference. How boring life would be if we were all the same! Even the “finger paint” cover art supports the metaphor. Remember how much fun it was to slide your fingers through the cool, squishy colors? Why not join your children in creating a fingerpaint drawing? Perhaps it can be the cover for your child’s life book. “Forever Fingerprints” is available for preorder. Jessica Kingsley Publishers officially launches this new issue on Oct. 21, 2014. It will be available in both hardcover and Kindle formats.

Sherrie Eldridge Amazon Author page Sherrie’s Website

*Adoption-attunement—AQ—considers how adoption influences a child and includes:

Adoption-sensitive parenting techniques
Sound adoption language
Knowledge of the attachment process
Consideration of grief and loss issues
Respect for birth parents
Modeling healthy boundaries
Educating family, friends and teachers on adoption
Remembering that a child’s story belongs to him
Recognizing that adoption is a family experience
Encouraging playfulness and good humor as a family value
Integrating a child’s birth heritage

“A Place in My Heart” — an Adoption Truth

As an adoptive parent and now as an adoption coach, I search for books that support adopted children and help them learn how adoption influences their lives. Many books have been written on the subject. How does a family identify the best books– especially those that address adoption from the child’s point of view.

Mary Grossnickle’s sweet story, “A Place in My Heart, is one great example of a story that validates the adopted child’s point of view. Charlie–a chipmunk adopted into a family of squirrels wrestles with the differences in their appearance. Adoptees commonly feel like they don’t quite fit so they will easily identify with Charlie’s struggle. He’s an endearing character, full of mischief and curiosity. His mother recognizes the stress factors that challenge Charlie and she responds in a supportive and adoption-attuned manner. Parents also can identify with Charlie’s desire to be reassured that he holds a special spot in the hearts of those he loves. We all share this need for connection. This is especially true for adopted children which is why kids will respond to Charlie’s situation.

Mommy overtly acknowledges and encourages his thoughts and feelings for his birth parents. This helps helps Charlie to work through them. Charlie learns that he doesn’t need to hide or deny his feelings. Charlie doesn’t have to choose one over the other; he doesn’t have to worry about being disloyal or hurtful to his adoptive parents. Their hearts are large enough to hold all of the people Charlie loves and all of the people who love Charlie. Mom designs a craft project so Charlie can own the important people in his life and place them in his heart. Together they realize that there is always room for loving relationships.

I thoroughly enjoyed this story and in the important message of understanding acceptance and validation that it conveys. Alison Relyea-Parr’s pastel illustrations have a gentle, dream-like quality that reinforce the comforting tone of the book. Readers will want to duplicate the “Place in my heart” activity. Jessica Kingsley Publishers has presented us with another excellent book.

Ooops–an Oops-ortunity to Embrace the Beauty of the Unexpected

Beautiful Oops by Barney Saltzberg is a charming picture book that will delight readers of all ages. Its message resonates on many levels: mistakes offer unexpected opportunities to look at things with a fresh perspective. On the surface, the story is about seeing the art within an “error.” A spill becomes a snuggle of puppies. A smudge morphs into fish, etc. A tear, a fold, a drip, a scrap—all hold hidden possibilities of beauty and joy.

This secret gift, though less obvious, is more powerful because of the surprise. By pausing to explore beyond first impressions, as if by magic is beauty, laughter and surprise are revealed.
As a coach who works with adoptive families, I see another layer of meaning, one that is deeper and more important. Our kids often feel like a “mistake.” In their young hearts, they hear that their birthparents could not make space for them. (Kids often don’t “hear” that adult problems and lack of skills and resources are the pivot points, even when they are told this repeatedly. Instead, kids focus on themselves as being the problem.
When I read Beautiful Oops, I saw it as a wonderful metaphor for reframing, for helping kids see that the unexpected, unplanned or different, may in fact, be quite beautiful. Families have a chance to embrace this way of thinking in daily living. Parents can look for opportunities to highlight the gap between what was expected and what actually resulted: an off-center, candid photo can capture more truth than a perfectly staged shot; a meal may not look like the picture in the cookbook but still tastes delicious.

Kids study parents’ responses to such circumstances. This is how children learn to face situations in their own lives. Parents show them how to embrace the unexpected, laugh at errors and learn from shortfalls. Life is about learning, not perfection. Life—and more importantly, love– is forgiving, understanding, imperfect, and unconditional.

A Very Special Chicken Learns to Shine

Today’s delightful picture book sweet story includes two vital messages: the importance of self-acceptance and unconditional parental love. This is a vital and reassuring message for all kids, especially adoptees.

Henny written and illustrated by Elizabeth Rose Stanton is a charming book about a most unusual chicken. Henny was born with arms instead of wings. This causes her great consternation. She feels left out, wonders how to fit in and doubts her “chickeness.” Fortunately, although Henny’s arms shock her mother, she accepts her chick and loves Henny without reservation. Children will easily recognize this powerful act of mother love.

Henny comes to discover that arms can be quite useful. They trail behind her gracefully, allow her to climb trees, plug her ears and brush her teeth. Being different in these ways allows Henny to stand out from other chickens. She delights in the limelight.

But Henny’s arms also cause difficulty, like requiring her to always go last. She tries to camouflage her differences and blend in. Still, the other animals make fun of her. Unlike other chickens, she must choose between gloves or mittens, between being right-handed or left-handed, getting hangnails or tennis elbow. What’s a chicken to do? Henny discovers her “difference” allows her to help farmer Brown in ways none of the other chickens can.

Stanton’s delicate watercolor and pencil illustrations fill the book with humor and charm. Henny comes to life with immense personality. Readers—young and adult— will connect with Henny’s gestures and facial expressions as she is a unique, well-rounded and talented chicken.

Young readers will identify with Henny’s struggle to face and accept her personal differences as well as the differences in others. Many will want to talk about how kids can be kind or mean to each other. This could include discussion of bullying as well—how it feels, what to do, etc.

Five stars *****

A Family Collage in Beautiful Color

Recently the internet lit up with the hashtag #WeNeedDiverseBooks . Imagine my delight when I came across this gem: I Bet She Called Me Sugarplum by Joanne V. Gabbin Illustrated by Margot Berman. It impressed me in many ways. First, and foremost, it is a book about an Afro-American family, the stories memories and experiences that bind them together. A small but integral part of the story reveals that the child came into her family through adoption. Both she and her adoptive family are Afro-American as well. The exquisitely detailed collages, illustrate the story and serve as a metaphor for the stitching together of an adopted family.

Told in rhyming poetry, the story highlights the relationships that tie family generations together. This is an important way of quilting extended families together and is especially valuable for fostering connectivity in an adoptive family.

The story is upbeat and respectful for the little girl’s birth family and nurtures her ability to regard them with love, kindness and a sense of being valued. All are excellent goals for an adoptive family. The adoptive mother clearly affirms this attitude: “Another mommy loved you and left you to our care.” When parents approach a child’s history with this kind of acceptance, it encourages an open dialog. This helps kids feel comfortable discussing questions and feelings that arise from their adoption.

It includes a paper doll cutout, which encourages a wonderful—and somewhat forgotten—way of role playing that encourages the reader to imagine being the child in the book!

The warm and tender feelings, the gorgeous illustrations, and the lush text make this an excellent read. All kids will enjoy this book whether they are adopted or not. As an adoption coach and an adoptive parent, I would give this book five stars.