validation

Mother Child Separation: You Weren’t with Me

Mother-Child-Separation-You-Weren't-with-MeEvery one of us knows the pain of separation from someone we love. Children experience maternal separation with particular pain. From the moment of parting through to the long-anticipated reunion, their emotions spin. You Weren’t with Me by Chandra Ghosh Ippen  Is a lovely, tender book that addresses the tumultuous, intense and complex feelings that children confront when they are separated from their mother.

Whether caused by divorce, illness, deployment, incarceration, or adoption, the child is puzzled, heartbroken, afraid, and angry when separated from his mother. That stew of emotions is difficult for children to parse, to define, and to express. The delicate illustrations of a rabbit mother and bunny by Eric Ippen Jr. brilliantly capture this complexity in an almost magical way.

Regardless of the length of the separation, it feels like forever for the child. The child feels unmoored, unsafe, and alone. Even after a reunion occurs, their emotions do not quickly return to quiet stasis. Often, they hold back and remain angry and distant. Throughout the story, the mother gently listens with an almost-sacred patience. She resists the inclination to dismiss or invalidate her little one’s feelings. And responds with, “I’m sorry I wasn’t with you. We are together now… You probably felt so alone.”

Because the mother listens without trying to diminish the bunny’s feelings, he feels safe enough to continue to share: “I worry that you will go away again… I don’t trust you.”

Mother validates Bunny’s experience throughout the book. Because the story never specifies why Mother was gone nor does it mention how long they were separated, readers can personalize this aspect for a particular child’s experience. The text does a superb job of addressing a spectrum of emotions and concerns and models a very empathetic “serve and return” interaction between child and parent. I highly recommend this book.

AQ Lens: Because I work with adoptive families I have a particular interest in finding books that open conversations about adoption-generated thoughts, feelings, and experiences WITHOUT actually being overtly about adoption. This book would be a superb read for an adoptive family. Children who were adopted beyond infancy will be able to identify with the bunny’s wishing that his parents had been there with him from the beginning to allay his fears and to provide security. This book can serve as a great way to spark important conversations.

Listen to GIFT Family Services newest podcast, ADOPTION MATTERS: Real People. Real Life. Real Talk. This podcast looks at the adoption experience through the eyes of three of our adoption coaches: Sharon Butler Obazee, an adoptee; Kim Noeth, a birth mother, and Sally Ankerfelt, an adoptive parent.

You can still listen to our original podcast, Essentials of Adoption Attuned Parenting.

Things Aren’t Always How They SEEM to Look

%%things-arent-always-how-they-seem-to-look-be-ture-to-yourself%%Red written and illustrated by Michael Hall shares a simple yet profound message that riffs on the old adages “You can’t judge a book by its cover,” and “Be true to yourself.” It accomplishes this through bold illustrations and humorous, simple text. They are equal partners and together they pack a brilliant creative wallop.

The opening illustration, for example, depicts a solitary crayon against a black background. One crayon. Three words: “He was red.” Even the youngest reader will immediately notice something doesn’t quite compute. Although the wrapper is red, the crayon itself is actually blue. Throughout the book characters expect the crayon to reflect his outward—red—appearance. His performance consistently fails their expectations.

No matter how hard he tries, when he colors anything, he produces blue, not red. The other crayons accuse him of not trying hard enough, not mixing well with others. They try many methods to remold him into a version of himself that fits their expectations.  He’s viewed as lazy, slow, damaged and not very bright—all because Red can only produce a reflection of who he really is on the inside, which is blue through and through. Poor Red begins to feel inadequate and sad. He wonders if he will ever fit in, make the grade, and behave properly.

Until…

One crayon sees beyond Red’s label and notices who Red really is. He persuades Red to draw the ocean. Red succeeds beautifully. And he doesn’t stop there. Once red discovers the joy of being himself, he sets out to be fully blue. For the first time, Red experiences joy and acceptance from the world around him. Instead of criticizing him, they praise and accept him.

Once they made space for Red to be his true self, they all benefitted. All it took was one crayon’s validation. One crayon recognized the Red’s truth. That tore apart the box into which Red had been locked. Once freed to be true to himself, Red began “reaching for the sky.”

Without preaching or moralizing, this book makes its point: be true to yourself. It’s a fun and enlightening story that will touch all readers whatever their age. Even adults will benefit from its example.  Red’s story doesn’t exemplify any specific difference, i.e., it’s not necessarily about race, ability levels, gender, etc. This means it can serve as a window to any child’s circumstance of being different. In reading reviews on Amazon, I saw many that castigated this book as being about gender confusion issues. While it could be interpreted that way, no explicit messaging is made along those lines.

AQ Lens  Adoptees are influenced not only by the influences of nurture, but also the significant influence of nature—DNA— as well. An obvious parallel can be drawn with Red’s mismatch between his outside and inside. The story lends itself to discussing the struggles that anyone faces as they strive to determine their authentic selves. Conversations can flow into more serious discussions of the ways in which a child feels he doesn’t fit.

Coexisting Viewpoints: Equally True, Wildly Divergent

i-wonder-51xa9vh-4ml-_sx258_bo1204203200_I Wonder  by Annika Harris exquisitely illustrated by John Rowe, walks the reader through a dreamy world of beauty and wonder. The story follows a girl and her mother as they wander through the forest. Several things spark the child’s interest. “I wonder…” she says. Mom encourages the girl’s thoughts and resists offering a pat answer. Instead, she encourages her child to sit with uncertainty and use it to spearhead further exploration.

The book also includes a useful Author’s Note page which explains her purpose for writing the book: to encourage children to admit what they do not know, to not be embarrassed by it but rather to be challenged to explore and learn. She challenges parents to do the same! There is value in learning to sit with wonder and in accepting coexisting viewpoints as equally true even if wildly divergent.

Adoption-attuned Lens magnifying-lens-AQ.2-161x300Life as an adoptive family is partly steeped in wonder about What if… What if I’d never been adopted? What if other parents had adopted me? What if I’d never placed my child for adoption? etc…. Betty Jean Lifton author of Lost and Found describes this world of unknowable possibilities as the Ghost Kingdom: the lost babies [adoptees], the [birth], parents who lost them, and the [adoptive] parents who found them. Each member of the triad wrestles with significant factors that may never be completely known or resolved. A book like this helps open discussion on some very complex issues without putting the child on the hot seat. Begin with the simple, concrete concepts presented in the book and then, if the children  are receptive ask some open-ended questions that, although not specifically adoption-related, can be interpreted as connected to adoption. Follow your child’s lead. Eventually, this book will probably spark some important adoption conversations.

they-all-saw-a-cat-41au1iglll-_sy410_bo1204203200_They All Saw A Cat  written and illustrated by Brendan Wenzel delights the eyes as it explores a variety of encounters with a cat. Each two-page spread features a drawing that depicts the cat from a new point of view, for example, “A Child, a dog … a mouse… snake … worm … until it comes full circle with the cat admiring his reflection in the water.. The imaginative illustrations hilariously capture how perception colors and shapes reality. Each is true. Each is diverse. Each is personal.

magnifying-lens-AQ.2-161x300Adoption-attuned Lens  This story can introduce a conversation about how the same situation can be experienced in drastically different ways. For example, a child, a cook, and a turkey all experience Thanksgiving dinner in wildly different ways. As always, talk about the story on a light-hearted level before moving to deeper conversations. Some logical topics: bullying, immigration, and, of course, adoption.

marta-big-small-51rnntszfgl-_sy498_bo1204203200_Marta! Big & Small written by Jen Arena and illustrated by Angela Dominguez is a bilingual book which explores a similar theme. This time the multiple points of view focus on  the senses: sight, hearing, touch, taste. Compared to a cat, Marta is big. In contrast, an elephant perceives her as tiny! Exuberant illustrations portray the theme well. Spanish words appear in the text and the illustration make it easy for readers to infer the English word. Marta! Big & Small offers a fun romp that will entertain as well as teach.

Adoption-attuned Lens magnifying-lens-AQ.2-161x300Adoptive families dwell in a Both/And world. The same experience can affect each family member in drastically divergent ways. For example, as parents, we thrilled to welcome our children home. We’d hoped and prayed for this to happen. Our children, however, experience adoption in a more complex way.

multiple-pov-weblinkFor them, adoption, originates with significant loss (their first family.) Even in open adoptions, where children know and interact with birth family, children lost the opportunity for their birth parents to have raised them.

Parents, too, had to move beyond the effort to become pregnant and embrace the commitment to become parents via adoption.

The important point which this book can help families understand is that each person’s respective point of view is real, valid and does not alter the perception of other family members. Again, readers are asked to recognize coexisting viewpoints as equally true even in wildly divergent.

Our theme for today’s Diverse Children’s Books linkup is Favorite Diverse Author or Illustrator. Who is your must-read author or must-see illustrator? (The theme is only a suggestion. Diverse posts on alternate topics are always welcome.)

What Is #DiverseKidLit?


 Diverse Children’s Books is a book-sharing meme designed to promote the reading and writing of children’s books that feature diverse characters. This community embraces all kinds of diversity including (and certainly not limited to) diverse, inclusive, multicultural, and global books for children of all backgrounds.

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We hope this community will grow into a great resource for parents, teachers, librarians, publishers, and authors! Our next linkup will be Saturday, October 15th and on the first and third Saturdays of every month.

Upcoming Theme

Our theme for the current linkup is Favorite Diverse Author or Illustrator. Themes are a suggestion only; all diverse book posts are welcome. If you’re interested, you can start planning now for our upcoming themes …

  • October 15th linkup: We will continue the Favorite Diverse Author or Illustrator theme.

Most Clicked Post from Last Time

Our most-clicked post from the previous #diversekidlit linkup is KitaabWorld’s Bilingual Picks. This great round-up post includes bilingual favorites in a range of Asian languages, including Hindi, Bengali, Tamil, and Urdu. There are also links to more titles and more languages at the end of the article.

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Bedtime Rituals That Soothe

beautiful moon Award-winning illustrator, Eric Velasquez’s exquisite illustrations  create a gentle backdrop for  a young boy’s simple prayer in Tonya Bolden’s glorious picture book  Beautiful Moon: A Child’s Prayer. Families who practice prayer will find the story touches upon important themes: family, community, gratitude, hunger, etc. No particular faith is indicated so this lovely book can be treasured by Christian, Jews, Muslims, etc.

Even for those who do not engage in literal prayer, Beautiful Moon expresses a beautiful message and invites discussion on some complex parts of life: homelessness, poverty, hunger. The book handles it gently so that children will not be overwhelmed by the unfairness and sadness of life’s harsh realities. Instead, it validates the child’s experiences; he has noticed these sad truths. He recognizes that there is something he can do about it: he can pray. Parents might want to explore additional ways in which their family can be part of the solution and not merely horrified, mute observers.

 

magnifying lens AQ.2AQ Lens: Adoptees have direct experience with loss, grief and sadness, thus they can easily identify with the spirit of this story. The boy’s example of a hopeful heart models one strategy that a child can use as they handle the difficulties of their own lives. The boy’s prayer validates his observations of the hard stuff of life. He doesn’t turn a blind eye or minimize what he knows to be true. Adoptees can use this story line as a model for sharing his own “hard stuff” with the expectation that his family can listen, validate and support him.  Although not directly an adoption-oriented book, this story has much to offer.

Five Star Read  starstarstarstarstar

 

 

good night yogaGood Night Yoga by Mariam Gates and illustrated by Sarah Jane Hinder includes charming multicultural illustrations which demonstrate how yoga can be a relaxing and soothing part of a bedtime routine. Not quite a story book, more like a poem, it outlines a sequence of yoga poses that children can practice as a way to prepare themselves for bed. Good Night Yoga depicts a user-friendly introduction to easy, basic yoga poses and can be the beginning of a healthy lifetime practice.

Simple, calming and a gentle way to end the day, Good Night Yoga is worth exploring with your family. Kids will quickly master the sequence and can lead the routine as parent and child perform it together. Why not add some music. Choose something serene and ethereal or something from nature that connects with your child. For some that might be the rhythmic sound of waves lapping the shore. Others might enjoy a regal loon calling against a background of chirping crickets. Get creative and breathe in…Breathe out…Breathe in…Breathe out.
magnifying lens AQ.2

AQ Lens: Many children find it difficult to settle, especially kids with trauma histories or tough starts. With its focus on breathing, body awareness and mindfulness, yoga can help children unwind.  The poses included in the book can be performed by parents too which offers a great way to be playful and healthy together. Readers of this blog know that AQParenting includes an intentional focus on being playful as a family because joy is an essential part of nurturing connected relationships.

Five Star Read  starstarstarstarstar