What Makes A Family?

As an adoptive parent, an adoption coach and a writer on adoption issues, I found In Our Mother’s House by renowned author, illustrator Patricia Polacco exceptional. As is probably obvious from the title, the story focuses on a/n (adoptive) family with two mothers. Readers searching for stories that include LGBTQ families will appreciate this upbeat and poignant tale.

Written as a flashback from a now-adult adoptee who recalls some treasured and delightful memories of her childhood, In Our Mother’s House focuses on the positives, on how families can look different but still be about the love and care that connect them. Lesbian parenting is not the focus of the book; it is the backdrop. The story concentrates on the warm, supportive and “regular” family that the children and their two mothers shared. Love, tolerance and joy thread throughout.

While most of the neighborhood characters welcome and embrace this unique family, one does not. Polacco makes the point subtly—the children wonder why Mrs. Lockner grumps at them whenever they meet her. The mothers concentrate on reaching out to neighbors (all of them) to create community.

The illustrations include a dazzling array of diversity. Many lend themselves to further exploration of cuisine, language and neighborliness, etc. Although the story is about a family formed through adoption, it doesn’t concentrate on adoption issues, makes no mention of the emotional struggles that adoptees often face nor does it mention birth parents, etc. In Our Mother’s House is a sweet, feel-good book about the wondrous blessing of a loving family. Great book!

Annoyed, Blamed, Cried, Drooled, etc., an ABC of Feelings

Because today is Multicultural Children’s Book Day, bloggers are featuring entertaining and diverse books. I have selected An Annoying ABC by Barbara Bottner and illlustrated by Michael Emberley which overflows with humor and features children of every color imaginable. Race is not the focus of the book; it is the natural backdrop of the story. The world includes a rainbow of humanity and this book reflects that reality.

An Annoying ABC weaves a delightful “domino” story: each action precipitates a subsequent reaction. Once “Adelaide annoyed Bailey,” mayhem ensues—in alphabetical order no less! The illustrations offer a treasure trove of vignettes to explore emotions, actions and consequences. Not only do the character’s names fulfill the ABC format, but also the verbs which describe an amazing array of actions: “annoyed, blamed, cried, drooled, elbowed, fumed, grabbed, howled, etc.” Eventually the story comes full circle when Adelaide apologizes and instigates a cascade of apologies—from A to Z! We could all benefit from Adelaide’s example.

This book hits the mark on several levels. It helps kids expand their vocabulary while enjoying the antics of this delightful cast of characters. An Annoying ABC can assist adoptive parents in teaching their children how to name and handle their big feelings. Imagine your child pretending each feeling and then your guessing which one he is portraying–lots of opportunity to be silly while discussing important emotion-management skills. I rate it a five-star read.

Helping Kids Size Themselves Up

To a child, size matters. Much emphasis is placed on being “big.” How often have you heard a child boast, “I not a baby! I a big girl (or boy)!” Children love to place their hands and feet beside a parent’s limbs and assert that they are almost as big as Mom or Dad. What I love about You Are (Not)Small by Anna Kang is that it taps into this touch point of childhood. With delightful illustrations by Christopher Weyant, it deftly and humorously, highlights that size is relative. The story follows a conversation between an ostensibly small character with a visibly larger one. The tiny one resists the label that the large character applies to him. The little one responds by turning the statement around: “I am not small. You are big.”

Which is true? Like so much in life, neither is absolutely true; each is relatively true. Compared to one creature, the main character is tiny. But, compared with a different one, he is huge. Thus, both statements are true. He is both little and big!

This is an important lesson for children to learn: comparisons depend on the metric being used. Like statistics, they can tell a different story depending on what is emphasized and what is ignored. They do not change; only the measuring scale differs. Labels can hide as much as they highlight and divide as much as unite.

This story can be used to help children see how comparisons can lead to feelings about themselves that are based on illusion. Parents can discuss what things about a child are consistently true. The story opens conversation about bullying as well. As a writer who focuses on adoption issues, I know adopted children are often told that their families or parents are not real. This book provides an easy way to address that question. Just as the characters are both big and small, families can be both adopted and real, just like birth families! Enjoy this book for its story, sense of humor and colorful illustrations. This is a book children will want to read again and again.

10 Great Things about Story Time: Beyond the Simple Page Turn

Books offer an amazingly rich resource for adoptive families. Beyond pretty illustrations or entertaining story lines, they offer adoptive families so much more. Here are ten benefits to consider.

1. Books create a cuddly moment when parent and child focus on a joint activity. This makes it an example of the proverbial “quality time” dearly sought by busy parents.

2. Reading together offers a great chance for dialog as parent and child chat about the story, ask and answer questions that arise and explore the illustrations. Parents may be quite surprised by the content of these discussions. Often hidden beliefs, misunderstandings and fears are exposed. Parents can correct any misconceptions, address any fears or concerns and enjoy discovering their child’s view of the world.

3. Reading together demonstrates that parents believe in the value of reading. This sends an important message because reading is a basic skill for school survival and success.

4. Books open a window onto a wider world. This allows children to learn how other kids think about and handle their adoption. This introduces them to their adoptive peer group which helps them understand they are not the only one in the adoption “boat.” They also discover that adoption, like families can take many shapes and look quite varied.

5. Books operate as mirrors when they include illustrations and story lines that reflect a child’s lived experience. A child’s shelf should include books that value who and what he is. They must depict more than the majority culture. Adoptive families have a vested interest in supporting multicultural books and “differences. After all adoption itself is a “different” way of building a family.

6. Adoption books can help children work through some of the “hard stuff” that is part of the task adoptees face. Be sure the family bookshelf is stocked with several quality books about adoption. This allows kids to choose a specific book from their shelf. Savvy parents will follow a child’s lead and will be aware of how a book affects their child. Read all or part of a book. Completion is not the goal. Connection and understanding is.

7. If kids never ask for an adoption book, put on your detective’s hat to discover why. Do you have a wide enough selection? Have you clearly conveyed that adoption is a welcome topic in the family? Verify that your child understands that adoption is a permitted topic. Many kids–accurately or not–believe that talking about their adoption distresses or overwhelms their parents. Other kids fear that bringing up the “harder stuff” might cause parents to “send them back.” In the absence of clearly demonstrated permissions, kids will stuff their curiosity, concerns and worries. Instead of depending on the parent, these kids shoulder their worries and stresses alone.

8. Books offer an easy non-threatening way for kids to bring up adoption. A child will rarely ask, “I’d like to talk about adoption.” But they will frequently pick a book off the shelf and request that it be read.

9. The same is true for parents. If they suspect a child is struggling with a part of his adoption experience, a book can offer a neutral way of introducing the topic.

10. Books can suggest ways of thinking about, handling and discussing adoption that neither the child or parent might develop on their own.

And a bonus:

11. When parent and child share a book that touches them deeply, that enables them to face the “big stuff” as a team, their relationship grows more intimate. Rooted in truth. Forged through facing difficulty together, their connection strengthens because they know it can handle their mutual reality, “warts and all.” Parents become the parachute that brings them safely to land on their feet.

In recent years, now-adult adoptees have spoken in great numbers to tell what did and did not work for them growing up adopted, as well as what they wish had happened. Their courage has expanded our understanding of what an adopted child needs. Their voice provides an inside track to understanding because they live(d) adoption. Their experience is undiluted, first-hand.

We must recognize that the voices of adult adoptees are precious, valid and offer an invaluable insight into the adoption experience. Their hard-won wisdom represents a treasure of insight to adoption professionals and adoptive parents and lights a path to a healthier adoption experience moving forward. Significant change has occurred in adoption practice during the past two decades and so much more remains to be done. We must be dedicated to our children’s Truth with at LEAST as much passion as we pursued their joining our families. Adoption is not a fairy tale with a perfect happily-ever-after ending. It’s complicated, rooted in loss and often clouded in euphemism. Listening to adoptees’ voices shows that we care about them, value their honesty and acknowledge that their adoption was/is not all rose petals and sunshine. Their losses are genuine and worthy of recognition. Books offer an excellent channel to accomplish that.

Authors Support National Adoption Month

November is National Adoption Month. This year the emphasis focuses on sustaining sibling connections for youth in foster care and awaiting adoption. “Every November, a Presidential Proclamation launches activities and celebrations to help build awareness of adoption throughout the nation. Thousands of community organizations arrange and host programs, events, and activities to share positive adoption stories, challenge the myths, and draw attention to the thousands of children in foster care who are waiting for permanent families.” (U.S.Dept. of Health & Human Services)

It is appropriate that we celebrate National Adoption Month during this season of Thanksgiving. As parents, we have been entrusted with the privilege to raise children born to other women. We love and nurture them with an awareness that our greatest joy: their presence in our families–began in significant loss for them. This year while giving thanks for your many blessings, remember the birth parents who made such a commitment of faith in us. Continue your education as high AQ–Adoption-attuned–families. Deepen your understanding of the unique needs that adoption creates in a family. Live and love with an eye to the joy of the present moment and a heart filled with empathy, kindness and respect. Books offer a great resource to adoptive families for strategies, a sense of community or a great read for the children. These authors write about the journey that is adoption and as a National Adoption Month Special, the kindle versions will be available for $.99. We invite you to explore these books. (Excerpts are from Amazon)

Expand your adoption library and do it at a bargain price. After you read these books, post your reviews on Amazon and let other families know what you thought.

Gayle Swift – ABC, Adoption and Me http://amzn.to/19SgUr3

Named a Favorite Read of 2013 by Adoptive Families, (the award-winning national adoption magazine.) Named a Notable Picture Book for 2013 by Shelf Unbound in their Dec/Jan 2014 issue; Honorable Mention – Gittle List of 2014; Finalist; IPNE 2014 Book Awards , Honorable Mention 2014 Purple Dragonfly Book Award

A child’s review: “Most adoption books only talk about the good part of adoption. ABC shows adoption from the kid’s side.” ABC, Adoption & Me expresses their complicated feelings in a way that makes them feel normal and which makes it easy for them to discuss with their families. Includes a parent guide. ABC, Adoption & Me celebrates the blessing of family and addresses the difficult issues as well. Exuberant, multicultural illustrations depict a wide range of families

Jody Dyer – The Eye of Adoption www.jodydyer.com

“No one just adopts.” From the very first steps of acknowledging adoption as a choice to the final document that seals the deal, Jody Cantrell Dyer paints a raw, warm, heartbreaking and eventually triumphant portrayal that narrates the entire adoption process through compassionate and humorous prose. Dyer’s candor and soul color each page of The Eye of Adoption. She directly addresses the sorrows of infertility and the demands of adoption while consistently word-weaving a life rope of assurance, humor, and optimism for her readers. A middle-aged wife, mother, and teacher, Dyer “tells it like it is” in hopes that waiting adoptive parents, birthparents, adoptees, and those close to them will find kinship through her story.”

Tim Elder – 7 Steps to Domestic Infant Adoption http://www.infantadoptionguide.com/author/telder

This take-action resource guide will save you TIME & MONEY as it shows you what it takes to go through the domestic infant adoption process. It is packed full of over 100 links, tips, articles, and my personal adoption stories.
My name is Tim Elder – I’m an adoptive dad. I’ve been in your shoes. My wife and I went through a miscarriage and years of infertility before we adopted our children. We were blessed to adopt them as newborns – one in 2007 and one in 2012. After going through the domestic infant adoption journey twice, I have a strong desire to help others – like you – get through it so I created this guide to help you.

Deanna Kahler – From Pain to Parenthood http://goo.gl/EQUZtx

Follow one woman’s incredible and heartfelt journey from the pain of miscarriages to the joy of becoming a parent through adoption. Witness the many struggles that can permeate your life in the aftermath of pregnancy loss. Take a glimpse at the overwhelming desire some women have to become a mother. Celebrate the joy of overcoming adversity and achieving your dreams. Filled with honest, raw emotions and helpful coping tips, “From Pain to Parenthood” promises to touch your life with a real story that shows the power of the human spirit and the beauty of a mother’s love.

Finalist, 2014 Next Generation Indie Book Awards, Parenting/Family

Debbie Michael – But the Greatest of These is Love http://goo.gl/xasFwR

On a March evening in 2000, an unexpected and unsettling thought came out of nowhere, disrupting Debbie Michael’s comfortable life—adoption! It was neither her idea nor her desire to adopt; she was already the mother of three. Instinctively, she knew God was speaking to her, but she did not want to listen if His message required action as life-changing as adopting an orphan. Dread lingered in the aftermath of the disturbing suggestion, and a debilitating fog of uncertainty settled over her life. A journey of a thousand miles (or five thousand, in this case) might begin with a single step, but Debbie was not eager to take that first step. Though God was relentless, she remained adamant. She was determined to ignore the nudging. But God would not be ignored! God pried Debbie out of her comfortable existence and opened a door to a life she didn’t know existed. But the Greatest of These is Love is about much more than adoption. It is a story about the powerful and astonishing ways God uses ordinary people to accomplish His divine intention that we love one another.

Kristen Nicole – Our Road to Family http://goo.gl/0PXyVO

“My husband and I are adopting. Does anyone know what that means?” There was more than one answer to that question for Kristen and Dan, and this remarkable story takes you through their adoption journey from beginning to end. From fertility issues to two successful adoptions, Kristen eloquently sheds new light on each step of the adoption process. With an inviting and friendly style of prose, she guides readers through the heartache of having to let a child go and onto the joy of holding her child for the very first time. An honest portrayal of a different road to parenthood, this story affirms the real blessing that adoption can be.

“A Place in My Heart” — an Adoption Truth

As an adoptive parent and now as an adoption coach, I search for books that support adopted children and help them learn how adoption influences their lives. Many books have been written on the subject. How does a family identify the best books– especially those that address adoption from the child’s point of view.

Mary Grossnickle’s sweet story, “A Place in My Heart, is one great example of a story that validates the adopted child’s point of view. Charlie–a chipmunk adopted into a family of squirrels wrestles with the differences in their appearance. Adoptees commonly feel like they don’t quite fit so they will easily identify with Charlie’s struggle. He’s an endearing character, full of mischief and curiosity. His mother recognizes the stress factors that challenge Charlie and she responds in a supportive and adoption-attuned manner. Parents also can identify with Charlie’s desire to be reassured that he holds a special spot in the hearts of those he loves. We all share this need for connection. This is especially true for adopted children which is why kids will respond to Charlie’s situation.

Mommy overtly acknowledges and encourages his thoughts and feelings for his birth parents. This helps helps Charlie to work through them. Charlie learns that he doesn’t need to hide or deny his feelings. Charlie doesn’t have to choose one over the other; he doesn’t have to worry about being disloyal or hurtful to his adoptive parents. Their hearts are large enough to hold all of the people Charlie loves and all of the people who love Charlie. Mom designs a craft project so Charlie can own the important people in his life and place them in his heart. Together they realize that there is always room for loving relationships.

I thoroughly enjoyed this story and in the important message of understanding acceptance and validation that it conveys. Alison Relyea-Parr’s pastel illustrations have a gentle, dream-like quality that reinforce the comforting tone of the book. Readers will want to duplicate the “Place in my heart” activity. Jessica Kingsley Publishers has presented us with another excellent book.

10 Awesome Reasons for Reading As a Family

10. Children learn language from hearing it spoken. Seems rather obvious, but this doesn’t make it any less true. The more words children hear, the more they know and understand. Changes in pace, inflection and tone help to set words apart so children can hear and understand them more efficiently.

9. Reading often means reading repeatedly. Again, this helps to reinforce and accelerate learning and comprehension. This is an essential foundation for literacy, an important life skill.

8. When you spend time reading together, kids learn that you value reading. This sets a great model for them to follow and lays the groundwork for a lifetime reading habit.

7. Your reading selections will reveal and teach your values. Choose stories that enlarge your child’s understanding of his world and his importance in it.

6. Read stories that show children facing a variety of situations and reveal many different solutions. This will expand your children’s problem solving skills, will encourage a willingness to risk failure and learn his way to success and mastery.

5. Share stories that reveal the depth of his cultural heritage as well as that of other people. Find stories that depict images that allow him to see himself reflected in the pictures as well as the content. This will enhance his understanding of his roots, his family, and himself.

4. Expose your child to stories that explore many cultures from around the world. Help him to grow into an empathetic, caring global citizen.

3. Read for fun. Find books that entertain and tickle the funny bone. It is essential to spend time having fun as a family and good books is one great way to do that.

2. Your time and attention are an essential priority to your children. When you interrupt your “To Do” list to share a book with your child, they get a clear message that they are important to you.

Drum roll please. And the TOP reason for reading together as a family is …

1. A good book shared in a parent’s lap creates a sensory memory—of being close, connected, and shared experiences. Relationships and attachment are strengthened in these shared, pleasant moments. They are the building blocks of family life, of a family’s history together. Positive experiences build resilience and help to rset the negative hits of daily challenges. Read, laugh and love as a family.

A Family Project based on “The Best Part of Me” by Wendy Ewald

Kids sometimes have difficulty appreciating their own “beauty.” This is particularly true of kids who have experienced “Tough Starts.” Consider sharing the book, “The Best Part of Me” a collection of photographs by Wendy Ewald. She asked third, fourth and fifth grade students to choose which part of themselves they liked best and then they shared their thoughts about their choice and posed for a picture.

The prose is not polished. (The text is written by the children.) But, the children’s genuine feelings shine through. Much is revealed about how they view themselves, what they value, and how they identify their place in their families, communities and the world.

This would make a great family project. It presupposes that there is something that the child values about themselves. Perhaps it will assist them in appreciating many. Join in the fun and snap pictures of your “assets.” This is the time to lay down any self-judgments about yourself. Lead the way. Snap a picture of those arms that have embraced your kids, the lap in which they’ve snuggled, the shoulder on which they’ve cried. This exercise can open your mind as much as it inspires the children.

Put aside worries of being “enough” and model an enthusiastic self-acceptance. Write down your thoughts. Consider poetry, a song, a letter. Let the acceptance flow. Gather everything into a family “book.” Decide with whom you will share it. Remember, your kids will be watching; they will sniff out any self-judgment you have. This is the perfect activity to teach them self-appreciation, to break free of arbitrary—and unreasonable—societal standards of beauty. You are the model, the teacher, the leader and they are your most important students. What greater gift can you present them than to value and appreciate themselves.

I’ll lead by example. My favorite parts of me: my smile and …

“Those Shoes,” a Book Review: When A Shoe Is So Much More Than Just A Shoe

Black-high tops with two white stripes—imagine them being the heart’s desire for a little boy. He wants them more than anything else in the world. All the other kids in his class have the extravagant shoes. The power of peer pressure; Jeremy dreams of getting his own pair and of being cool.

In her picture book, Those Shoes, Maribeth Boelts captures the intensity of a child’s yearning for the latest clothing fad. He’s caught between the proverbial rock and a hard place. His grandma doesn’t have the money for fancy shoes, only for the necessities. This hard fact does little to quell the boy’s desire to join the crowd and strut in his own pair of high-tops. Instead, the Guidance Counselor notices that Jeremy needs new shoes. Unfortunately, the only pair Mr. Alfrey has available conjures laughter from his classmates not admiration. One child—Antonia— doesn’t join in the teasing.

Grandma and Jeremy search the thrift stores for a hand-me-down pair of high-tops. After several failed attempts, luck finally runs Jeremy’s way. They discover a pair. Jeremy crams his feet into the shoes and ignores the pain. He pretends the “too-small shoes” fit his “too-big feet.”

Jeremy has a big heart to match his big feet. He notices Antonio also needs new shoes. Jeremy also sees that his two-small high-tops would be a perfect fit for Antonio’s much smaller feet. His urge to be generous plays tug of war with his love for “Those Shoes.” Finally, Jeremy decides to give them to the to the boy.

What I liked about this story

1. It respected the intensity and genuineness of Jeremy’s feelings. The reader is drawn into Jeremy’s longing, his humiliation when the other kids laugh at him, his elation when he finds the coveted shoes, his desperation to make the “too-small shoes” fit his “too-big feet,” his conflicts and his resolution.

2. The story highlighted the blessing of having one friend who will stand with you against the crowd.

3. The story depicts multi-cultural drawings in a way that is natural. This book is not about race but it is diverse. A wide range of readers will recognize themselves in this book.

4. It shows the power one child can have to make a difference and it does it in a way that feels real, not preachy or overdone.

Sharing Wishes Opens a Window to a Child’s Heart

Some people collect stamps, some people collect coins. I collect books. I believe in books. I turn to them for entertainment, for information, for comfort and for community. As an author, I view books as my channel for touching reader’s hearts and lives. As an adoptive parent and adoption coach, I search for books that enrich and nurture adoptive families.

Recently I learned of a picture book gem—Wish: Wishing Traditions around the World by Roseanne Thong, illustrated by Elisa Kleven. While this lovely book has no direct adoption themes, it is still a delightful resource for adoptive families. The multimedia illustrations are a treasure. Rich in detail, children will pore over them with pleasure not only for their intricate beauty, but also to find the hidden treasures that Kleven has incorporated into the illustrations.

The theme of the book—wishing—resonates with readers, adults, and children alike. The international flavor that infuses the books is an added bonus. Roseann Thong has selected a fascinating array of unique traditions from around the globe. These easily lend themselves to enrichment experiences based on the tradition described in the home or classroom. Some of the wishing traditions offer an irresistible urge to perform. Talk about the various things children around the world wish for. Ask children to imagine what it would be like to yearn for that wish. Ask them to consider being that child and discuss the feelings and ideas that the wish evokes. This is a great way to raise awareness of the differences between American standards of living and that of other countries and to assist them in developing empathy.

I love books that have layers of experience for young readers. Wish is certainly one of these books. It will expand a child’s view of the world. And, as adults ask children to share their personal wishes, a wonderful window opens—the child reveals the secret yearnings of their hearts’ dreams. Wish offers an opportunity for some intimate and honest sharing—the kind of connection all families–especially adoptive families–want to nurture and cherish. The exquisitely detailed multi-media illustrations are a wonderful metaphor for the complexities of a family; each element contributes to the beauty of the whole. Wish is a quality addition to a family’s multicultural library and will contribute to a child’s ability to see himself as a global citizen, a member of an increasingly interconnected and interdependent and diverse world.