Becoming Me

In My Name Is Not Isabella, one little girl’s imagination runs wild in a delightful game of pretend. Author Jennifer Fosberry introduces readers to a variety of history-making women through Isabella’s role play. Isabella’s mother encourages explorations as she pretends to be an astronaut (Sally Ride,) a sharpshooter (Annie Oakley,) an activist (Rosa Parks,) a scientist (Marie Curie,) a physician ( Elizabeth Blackwell,) and a mother. Mike Litwin’s illustrations have a quirky and charming cartoon style that perfectly compliment the lighthearted story. At the end of the story, the author includes brief biographical notes about these “women who changed the world.”

This book offers a wonderful spark for readers to “play pretend” and imagine themselves growing up to be a variety of people. It ends on a perfect note of self-acceptance as Isabella announces “‘It’s me, Isabella, the sweetest, kindest, smartest, bravest, fastest, toughest, greatest girl that ever was,’ …as she fell asleep and dreamed about who she would be…tomorrow.”

The story lends itself to conversations about all the different roles your child might imagine. Parents can share their memories of childhood dreams as well as any current ones that inspire them. Enjoy the imaginary journey and encourage even the most outrageous goals. This is the time for unbridled fantasies. Practicalities will come all too soon.

When we use our AQ* (adoption-attuned) lens we can see how well this story aligns with our children’s task of braiding their multi-stranded elements of biological and adoptive family’s influences. Isabella realizes that she does not have to choose only one aspect of her dreams. She can incorporate every angle of her personality to become herself. So too, our children are a mixture of many “ingredients” that blend to become a complex and special recipe. In some ways, they are like us as. In other ways they are not. As parents we choose to be intentional in conveying both acceptance and delight for the similarities and their differences.

When the Family Tree includes Unexpected Fruit

Children love banging out music. From their first toddler foray wielding spoon against a pot or a pan, they respond with joy, enthusiasm and persistence. But for some kids music offers much more than an outlet. It is who they are and how they connect to their deepest feelings and express themselves. Melba Liston was one such child. She connected with her talent at a very young age. Little Melba and her Big Trombone by Katheryn Russell-Brown illustrated by Frank Morrison is based on her life.

Born in 1926 in an environment filled with jazz, blues, and gospel, music dominates her life. Eventually it brings her all over the world. Music also presses Melba to face the realities of prejudice and racial separation that dominated that part of history. Melba’s story inspires and glows with the power of following one’s passion, the thrill of fulfilling one’s dreams. She overcame great difficulty not only in terms of personal challenges but also in terms of the racial realities of that era. This serves as a model for the power of vision, commitment and determination. Her success was not magical nor without challenges. It occurred as a result of hard work.

Morrison’s award-winning** illustrations brilliantly further the story. The effort and energy Melba expended come alive in the pictures. Dwarfed by her trombone, seven-year-old Melba struggled to master it, to release the music that lay dormant in the instrument. Her family encourages her to dare to be the best musician she can become, to take risks, and to ignore those who would try to hold her back. Melba blazed a trail for female musicians. “She was one of the first women, of any race, to become a world-class trombone player.” The story clearly portrays the immense power of an innate talent and how compelled a child feels to develop her abilities.

The AQ* (Adoption-attunement Quotient) potential in this story is easy to capture. This story celebrates a child’s innate talents and it highlights how her family encouraged and helped develop her gift. As adoptive parents we have the same opportunity– a duty really– to look for the hidden talents that lie within our children–the gifts of their genetic heritage. Some families may find this effortless to accomplish. Perhaps their child’s talents meld right in with the generational patterns of the family, for example, when an athletically-gifted child is adopted into a sport-loving family.) Or, the opposite might be true a bookish, creative child more at ease with a journal, drawing pencil or paintbrush joins the same family. This mismatch can be a source or tension or it can be an opportunity to broaden the family’s identity, to embrace this new “flavor” to notice and appreciate it. Whether it is a stretch or a no-brainer match, a child’s talents are a blessing, a light to be fostered and nurtured. One of the greatest gifts we can give a child is to validate them–their thoughts, feelings, talents and their differences. When our children were grafted to our family trees, we all became permanently linked, permanently changed.

In Florida, where Casey and I live, nurseries frequently graft varieties of trees. One popular creation is called a “cocktail tree*.” Farmers choose a sturdy, vibrant citrus tree and then graft branches of limes, oranges and lemons. When the mature tree blooms and fruits, it produces not only the fruit of the parent plant. Each branch remains true to its DNA: the orange branch produces oranges; the lime branch yields limes and the lemon branch bears lemons. Nurtured by the strength of the root stalk, each of the grafts reaches maturity as a healthy expression of its potential. I would assert that this is what we wish for our children: that they become the best version of themselves instead of a hollow imitation of an idealized set of expectations.

*In other parts of the country a similar process produces fruit salad trees that include apple varieties or other fruit combinations.)

** (He won the Coretta Scott King Honor Award for 2105.)

Wanting to Be Different

Children often complain that they don’t want to be: skinny or fat; tall or short; blonde or brunette; curly-haired or straight-haired; etc. Their lists can be lengthy and changeable. They want to be anything else except themselves. Dev Petty’s picture book I Don’t Want To Be A Frog hilariously captures these universal feelings of frustration which all of us have—children and adults. The comical illustrations by Mike Boldt are eye-popping and full of hidden jokes for the adult reader. (This is a definite plus because I predict, children will request this book over and over.)

Imagine being Froggy—wet, slimy, and stuck eating bugs—lots of them. I mean seriously, pretty yucky, right? He yearns to be cute, cuddly and warm like a cat or a bunny. He’s even willing to settle for a pig or an owl. Mama frog patiently points out all the reasons why Froggy can’t be other than himself. But the most convincing argument comes from a surprising source: a very hungry wolf. Wolf savors the taste of rabbit, owl, pig and cat but turns up his nose at the thought of eating a slimy, wet bug-eating frog. Froggy is relieved—and safe. He celebrates by dining on his favorite treat a succulent fly!

It’s easy to appreciate the obvious message conveyed in I Don’t Want To Be A Frog: being yourself is the best choice. For adopted children this is an especially pointed lesson. It offers a great talking point regarding the talents, inclinations and abilities which they received through their birth parents. Families can highlight and celebrate these differences as things of value.

Often we concentrate on identifying ways that our adopted children are like us. Commonality equates to connection. It is equally important, however, to notice, validate and encourage the differences which our children bring to the family. These add value, texture and variety and are an important part of them. These differences enrich our families; they do not diminish us. A Five Star read.

Enjoying the Magic of Invention and Self-discovery

Andrea Beaty has created a spunky heroine in Rosie Revere, Engineer. Behind the shrinking violet who fades into the background at school, Rosie is a visionary with big dreams of becoming a “great engineer” and the talent to match. She creates inventions from her vast collection of found “stuff.” Rosie Revere, Engineer does a fabulous job of capturing a young child’s creative delight and the immense pleasure they enjoy in sharing their creations with the people they love. (How many times have you heard a child chime, “Look what I made!” Remember their exuberance, their pride, their need to have your acknowledgement?)

As a young tot, Rosie proudly shares her inventions with family until the dreaded day that her uncle–gasp–laughs at her masterpiece. Rosie feels judged and belittled by his laughter. Despite Uncle’s reassurances to the contrary, she believes he’s laughing at her. In typical child-fashion, she generalizes from this one experience, is convinced she lacks talent, and is devastated. Fortunately, her drive to create is untamed but she decides not to share her inventions anymore.

“After that day [Rosie] kept her dreams to herself.” She’s lost her spark and sits in her classroom “not daring to speak.” Rosie hides her creations until her namesake, great-great aunt Rose appears on the scene.(Adults will recognize her as an echo of Rosie the Riveter a cultural icon of World War II fame.) The two are kindred spirits. The elderly aunt confesses that she has an unfulfilled dream: to fly. Her aunt’s admission rekindles Rosie’s courage and confidence in her ingenious inventions. Although Rosie fears failure, she embraces the challenge and sets out to create a flying contraption that will fulfill her aunt’s dreams.

Alas, her zany cheese-copter crashes. Just like the dreaded uncle, great-great aunt Rose laughs at Rosie’s designs but with joy not judgment. “You did it! Hooray! It’s the perfect first try! This great flop is over. It is time for the next!” Rosie learns to be proud of her failures, to round up her courage and keep trying until success is achieved.

David Roberts’ quirky illustrations are charming and so expressive. Each offers many discussion points to be mined. As I read this through an AQ* (adoption-attuned) lens, this story offers many wonderful nuggets. Themes that infuse the story include: diversity, “shyness’, recycling, ingenuity, viewing the world with an artist/inventor’s eye, women as capable, failing forward teamwork, confidence, resilience, persistence, being true to oneself, and owning one’s unique gifts. Wow! Jam packed, fun and visually delightful, this story offers an easy window to discussions about hidden talents and how they may have a genetic origin. This offers a natural segue to positive mention of birth parents and how biology helps to shape who we are.

I highly recommend this book. it is a five star gem.

I Had a Favorite Dress

Change is difficult for children. I was delighted to find this aptly titled book : I Had A Favorite Dress by Boni Ashburn and illustrated by Julia Denos. It connected with my own experiences. As a child, I too, had a favorite dress. It had a pale dreamy peach-colored bodice and a white knife-pleated skirt. How I loved that dress and how bereft I felt when I outgrew it. (More than fifty years later I can still picture it and how I felt when I wore it AND when it no longer fit.)

That dress represented so much to me. I felt pretty, stylish and grown up. It gave me confidence which, as a shy child, I valued. When it no longer fit, it was a tangible sign that I was different–older and the things expected of me were different. This both excited and intimidated me. Clothing plays an important role in expressing our individuality–for children and for adults. It’s the packaging we use to present ourselves into the world. So it is no surprise, to some of us, clothing is a Big Deal.

It certainly is to the spunky main character in this charming picture book. (She is unnamed and her ethnicity is open to interpretation. A silver star for diversity.) Like her, I loved “making things” out of stuff. (Still do!) At first, she despairs when her dress no longer fits, but then creativity inspires her! She devises a plan to reinvent her favorite garment and enlist her mother to accomplish the makeover.

With each reinterpretation, the original garment becomes smaller and smaller until barely a fragment is left– only enough to … Well, you’ve got to read the book to learn its final incarnation.

As always, I like to put on my AQ* glasses and view the book through the lens of Adoption-attunement. This book is a fun romp through creative problem-solving. It models a resilience to change without beating kids over the head with the message. (As adoptive parents, we are very familiar with how challenging change can be for our kids!) Kids will enjoy discovering how the little girl creates each new version.

Have some fun as you read the book. Pause to predict how you might reinvent the “dress” at each stage. Ask them to think about something in their own life which they treasure and which they are on the verge of “outgrowing.” How might they redesign it to extend its life? Mother encourages her “not to make mountains out of mole hills.” For kids with temperamental emotional thermostats, this is a way of watching others work through their “disasters.” The story easily lends itself to discussing recycling, and maintaining an attitude of possibility and solutions. Enjoy. I rate this book a five star read.

What Makes A Family?

As an adoptive parent, an adoption coach and a writer on adoption issues, I found In Our Mother’s House by renowned author, illustrator Patricia Polacco exceptional. As is probably obvious from the title, the story focuses on a/n (adoptive) family with two mothers. Readers searching for stories that include LGBTQ families will appreciate this upbeat and poignant tale.

Written as a flashback from a now-adult adoptee who recalls some treasured and delightful memories of her childhood, In Our Mother’s House focuses on the positives, on how families can look different but still be about the love and care that connect them. Lesbian parenting is not the focus of the book; it is the backdrop. The story concentrates on the warm, supportive and “regular” family that the children and their two mothers shared. Love, tolerance and joy thread throughout.

While most of the neighborhood characters welcome and embrace this unique family, one does not. Polacco makes the point subtly—the children wonder why Mrs. Lockner grumps at them whenever they meet her. The mothers concentrate on reaching out to neighbors (all of them) to create community.

The illustrations include a dazzling array of diversity. Many lend themselves to further exploration of cuisine, language and neighborliness, etc. Although the story is about a family formed through adoption, it doesn’t concentrate on adoption issues, makes no mention of the emotional struggles that adoptees often face nor does it mention birth parents, etc. In Our Mother’s House is a sweet, feel-good book about the wondrous blessing of a loving family. Great book!

A Multicultural ABC Adoption Picture Book

From Midwest Book Review: “Truly a multiple-award winning book about the experience of adoption, “ABC, Adoption & Me” breaks new ground in the field of adoption experience integration. Useful for children, families, caretakers, and teachers, “ABC, Adoption & Me” offers positive presentations of many common experiences shared by adoptive children and families. Prefaced by a helpful introduction titled How to Use ABC, Adoption & Me, this cheery, vivid color illustrated ABC book focuses on special topics related to adoption in a nonjudgmental and respectful way.

Some examples are, “C is for children. You can be adopted at any age, from tiny babies to teens,” or “M is for miss. Sometimes I miss my birth parents. I wonder if they miss me too.” Also memorable is “P is for parents. Birth parents gave me life. Adoptive parents gave me a (forever) family.” And finally, there is “Z is for zig zag. Sometimes I feel happy and sad about being adopted.”

Written by an adoptive mother daughter team, “ABC, Adoption & Me” uses bright cartoon illustrations to present interracial adoptive families and origin birth families with equal validity and authenticity, as well as many other adoption sensitive issues and topics.“ABC, Adoption & Me” deserves every single one of its many awards and should be a part of every child’s library.” http://www.midwestbookreview.com

Annoyed, Blamed, Cried, Drooled, etc., an ABC of Feelings

Because today is Multicultural Children’s Book Day, bloggers are featuring entertaining and diverse books. I have selected An Annoying ABC by Barbara Bottner and illlustrated by Michael Emberley which overflows with humor and features children of every color imaginable. Race is not the focus of the book; it is the natural backdrop of the story. The world includes a rainbow of humanity and this book reflects that reality.

An Annoying ABC weaves a delightful “domino” story: each action precipitates a subsequent reaction. Once “Adelaide annoyed Bailey,” mayhem ensues—in alphabetical order no less! The illustrations offer a treasure trove of vignettes to explore emotions, actions and consequences. Not only do the character’s names fulfill the ABC format, but also the verbs which describe an amazing array of actions: “annoyed, blamed, cried, drooled, elbowed, fumed, grabbed, howled, etc.” Eventually the story comes full circle when Adelaide apologizes and instigates a cascade of apologies—from A to Z! We could all benefit from Adelaide’s example.

This book hits the mark on several levels. It helps kids expand their vocabulary while enjoying the antics of this delightful cast of characters. An Annoying ABC can assist adoptive parents in teaching their children how to name and handle their big feelings. Imagine your child pretending each feeling and then your guessing which one he is portraying–lots of opportunity to be silly while discussing important emotion-management skills. I rate it a five-star read.

Helping Kids Size Themselves Up

To a child, size matters. Much emphasis is placed on being “big.” How often have you heard a child boast, “I not a baby! I a big girl (or boy)!” Children love to place their hands and feet beside a parent’s limbs and assert that they are almost as big as Mom or Dad. What I love about You Are (Not)Small by Anna Kang is that it taps into this touch point of childhood. With delightful illustrations by Christopher Weyant, it deftly and humorously, highlights that size is relative. The story follows a conversation between an ostensibly small character with a visibly larger one. The tiny one resists the label that the large character applies to him. The little one responds by turning the statement around: “I am not small. You are big.”

Which is true? Like so much in life, neither is absolutely true; each is relatively true. Compared to one creature, the main character is tiny. But, compared with a different one, he is huge. Thus, both statements are true. He is both little and big!

This is an important lesson for children to learn: comparisons depend on the metric being used. Like statistics, they can tell a different story depending on what is emphasized and what is ignored. They do not change; only the measuring scale differs. Labels can hide as much as they highlight and divide as much as unite.

This story can be used to help children see how comparisons can lead to feelings about themselves that are based on illusion. Parents can discuss what things about a child are consistently true. The story opens conversation about bullying as well. As a writer who focuses on adoption issues, I know adopted children are often told that their families or parents are not real. This book provides an easy way to address that question. Just as the characters are both big and small, families can be both adopted and real, just like birth families! Enjoy this book for its story, sense of humor and colorful illustrations. This is a book children will want to read again and again.

“No Two the Same—All Beautiful” A Timeless Message of Hope

Across the country, early snowfall covers the ground evoking thoughts of playing outdoors and delighting in Mother Nature’s handiwork and it reminded me of a wonderful book I read this summer: “Snowflakes Fall” by renowned author, Patricia MacLachlan and equally renowned artist Steven Kellogg. He lived in Newtown, CT and was especially grieved by the tragic loss of the twenty-six children in the school shooting which occurred there. She wrote the story in support of these lost children and the entire community of Sandy Hook.

The story is not sad; it does not mention the shooting. Instead, “Snowflakes Fall” dwells on timeless moments in childhood—first snowfalls and the return of spring flowers. The simple metaphor of the cycle of life comes across free of any heavy-handed moral. The refrain: “No two the same—-all beautiful,” repeats, reminding readers of the value of each individual, whether it is children, snowflakes, etc. Throughout the book, MacLachlan deftly weaves the thread of hope reappearing after loss. Day follows night. Spring follows winter. Flowers bloom when winter departs.

Steven Kellogg’s signature illustrations bring the tender story to life. Having lived in Newtown for thirty-five years, he knows the environment and has depicted it with detail and heartfelt affection.

I appreciate this book on several levels. As a picture book, it delights through both the gorgeous artwork and the evocative text. As a metaphor for appreciating each season of life, “Snowflakes Fall” allows us to savor the magic of both winter and spring. For kids who have had challenges in their lives—whether small or large— the story reminds us that life flows forward and brings us out of the times of cold, darkness or fear and delivers us once again to the beauty and inspiration of hope and new growth. These are messages both parent and child can enjoy. For kids who have traveled a traumatic past, it helps them see the possibility of hope and new life.

In conjunction with the publication of “Snowflakes Fall” Random House donated funds to the Sandy Hook School Support Fund and First Book, a literacy foundation.