What Makes A Family?

As an adoptive parent, an adoption coach and a writer on adoption issues, I found In Our Mother’s House by renowned author, illustrator Patricia Polacco exceptional. As is probably obvious from the title, the story focuses on a/n (adoptive) family with two mothers. Readers searching for stories that include LGBTQ families will appreciate this upbeat and poignant tale.

Written as a flashback from a now-adult adoptee who recalls some treasured and delightful memories of her childhood, In Our Mother’s House focuses on the positives, on how families can look different but still be about the love and care that connect them. Lesbian parenting is not the focus of the book; it is the backdrop. The story concentrates on the warm, supportive and “regular” family that the children and their two mothers shared. Love, tolerance and joy thread throughout.

While most of the neighborhood characters welcome and embrace this unique family, one does not. Polacco makes the point subtly—the children wonder why Mrs. Lockner grumps at them whenever they meet her. The mothers concentrate on reaching out to neighbors (all of them) to create community.

The illustrations include a dazzling array of diversity. Many lend themselves to further exploration of cuisine, language and neighborliness, etc. Although the story is about a family formed through adoption, it doesn’t concentrate on adoption issues, makes no mention of the emotional struggles that adoptees often face nor does it mention birth parents, etc. In Our Mother’s House is a sweet, feel-good book about the wondrous blessing of a loving family. Great book!

A Multicultural ABC Adoption Picture Book

From Midwest Book Review: “Truly a multiple-award winning book about the experience of adoption, “ABC, Adoption & Me” breaks new ground in the field of adoption experience integration. Useful for children, families, caretakers, and teachers, “ABC, Adoption & Me” offers positive presentations of many common experiences shared by adoptive children and families. Prefaced by a helpful introduction titled How to Use ABC, Adoption & Me, this cheery, vivid color illustrated ABC book focuses on special topics related to adoption in a nonjudgmental and respectful way.

Some examples are, “C is for children. You can be adopted at any age, from tiny babies to teens,” or “M is for miss. Sometimes I miss my birth parents. I wonder if they miss me too.” Also memorable is “P is for parents. Birth parents gave me life. Adoptive parents gave me a (forever) family.” And finally, there is “Z is for zig zag. Sometimes I feel happy and sad about being adopted.”

Written by an adoptive mother daughter team, “ABC, Adoption & Me” uses bright cartoon illustrations to present interracial adoptive families and origin birth families with equal validity and authenticity, as well as many other adoption sensitive issues and topics.“ABC, Adoption & Me” deserves every single one of its many awards and should be a part of every child’s library.” http://www.midwestbookreview.com

Annoyed, Blamed, Cried, Drooled, etc., an ABC of Feelings

Because today is Multicultural Children’s Book Day, bloggers are featuring entertaining and diverse books. I have selected An Annoying ABC by Barbara Bottner and illlustrated by Michael Emberley which overflows with humor and features children of every color imaginable. Race is not the focus of the book; it is the natural backdrop of the story. The world includes a rainbow of humanity and this book reflects that reality.

An Annoying ABC weaves a delightful “domino” story: each action precipitates a subsequent reaction. Once “Adelaide annoyed Bailey,” mayhem ensues—in alphabetical order no less! The illustrations offer a treasure trove of vignettes to explore emotions, actions and consequences. Not only do the character’s names fulfill the ABC format, but also the verbs which describe an amazing array of actions: “annoyed, blamed, cried, drooled, elbowed, fumed, grabbed, howled, etc.” Eventually the story comes full circle when Adelaide apologizes and instigates a cascade of apologies—from A to Z! We could all benefit from Adelaide’s example.

This book hits the mark on several levels. It helps kids expand their vocabulary while enjoying the antics of this delightful cast of characters. An Annoying ABC can assist adoptive parents in teaching their children how to name and handle their big feelings. Imagine your child pretending each feeling and then your guessing which one he is portraying–lots of opportunity to be silly while discussing important emotion-management skills. I rate it a five-star read.

Helping Kids Size Themselves Up

To a child, size matters. Much emphasis is placed on being “big.” How often have you heard a child boast, “I not a baby! I a big girl (or boy)!” Children love to place their hands and feet beside a parent’s limbs and assert that they are almost as big as Mom or Dad. What I love about You Are (Not)Small by Anna Kang is that it taps into this touch point of childhood. With delightful illustrations by Christopher Weyant, it deftly and humorously, highlights that size is relative. The story follows a conversation between an ostensibly small character with a visibly larger one. The tiny one resists the label that the large character applies to him. The little one responds by turning the statement around: “I am not small. You are big.”

Which is true? Like so much in life, neither is absolutely true; each is relatively true. Compared to one creature, the main character is tiny. But, compared with a different one, he is huge. Thus, both statements are true. He is both little and big!

This is an important lesson for children to learn: comparisons depend on the metric being used. Like statistics, they can tell a different story depending on what is emphasized and what is ignored. They do not change; only the measuring scale differs. Labels can hide as much as they highlight and divide as much as unite.

This story can be used to help children see how comparisons can lead to feelings about themselves that are based on illusion. Parents can discuss what things about a child are consistently true. The story opens conversation about bullying as well. As a writer who focuses on adoption issues, I know adopted children are often told that their families or parents are not real. This book provides an easy way to address that question. Just as the characters are both big and small, families can be both adopted and real, just like birth families! Enjoy this book for its story, sense of humor and colorful illustrations. This is a book children will want to read again and again.

12 Benefits of an Adoption Lifebook

Last week we discussed how books can be a useful tool for the adoptive family. This week I’d like to examine a particular kind of book that many of you may be unfamiliar with: the lifebook.

This is a unique and completely personal book that tells the story of your child’s life from the beginning. It includes the details from his birth and information about events before he was born.

Beth O’Malley, M.Ed, an adoptee, adoptive parent and adoption social worker, wrote “Lifebooks: Creating a treasure for Your Adoptive Child,” one of the best “how to” books on creating lifebooks. Their value to an adopted child can be huge. Taking the time to gather, save and record information, memorabilia, and photographs of the important people, places and events of a child’s life clearly conveys a vital message: his life story is valuable, worth remembering and worth retelling. A lifebook says, “Your story begins before adoption and because we love you, we value the history of your life from the beginning. We do not expect or require you to wipe the slate clean in order to embrace our joint life.”

Without these life-details, adopted kids report feeling rootless, at sea, hatched or alien. When parents capture the information and save it, they provide an affirmation and a tool that helps a child piece together their identity. Even in situations where almost no information exists, it is still possible and worthwhile to create a functional lifebook. Beth provides templates that will guide you through the process. She advises making it a family project. Here are some of the top reasons why your child deserves a lifebook.

1. Ground child in her history & beginnings Like all human beings, every adoptee was born, has a birth mother and birth father. Some adoptees were adopted at birth while others experienced lengthy intervals. Regardless of the amount of intervening time, every experience she faced and every person that walked through her life is an important element in her history.

2. Testimony to her history Beth O’Malley states that a lifebook“ honors every minute of … children’s lives.” It affirms their existence and allows parent and child to imagine being there together, celebrating her birth. It acknowledges the events that occurred in the child’s life and helps a child see what they faced, experienced and in some cases “survived.”

3. Physical tool A book is a neutral tool that allows a child to initiate adoption conversations. It gives her something tangible to frame her story and provides structure to her narrative.

4. Creates a normalizing effect Lifebooks document her life journey and identify ways in which she is just like other kids.

5. Provides Constancy and security The lifebook creates a permanent repository of children’s lives. Therapists and parents report that kids refer to it throughout their lives—even into adulthood.

6. Affirms the importance of her life from birth onward Asserts that her story deserves recording, repeating and revisiting. Intuitively, a child knows it takes time and effort to create a lifebook. At some level, a child infers that this means “she is worth it.”

7. Addresses difficult experiences Affirms the child’s survival of any difficult (sometimes horrific) circumstances and reiterates that the child is blameless for the events that led to his adoption. This helps a child to see himself as the hero of his own life.

8. Eliminates the temptation to “protect” a child from the tough facts of her life Information should always be shared in age-appropriate ways; tough stuff should not be withheld from a child. Secrecy generates shame and eventually secrets come to life. This revelation inevitably damages the trust relationship. “Unfortunately such well-meaning avoidance … leaves the child alone with his fantasies … and these are often more frightening, self-blaming and damaging than the actual facts.” Instead of hiding information, lifebooks allow parents (sometimes with the partnership of a therapist of social worker) to share it while being supported in the family.

9. Opens adoption conversations between child and parent Lifebooks provide a concrete place to start a conversation. A child can choose to read from the part of the book that connects with his current need.

10. Establishes a truth base which builds trust. Neither child nor parent has to put on a mask and pretend that adoption is loss and pain free or that certain events did not occur. This builds the family relationship on truth and encourages genuine connection.

11. Tracks the facts of her history and validates the emotions connected with them Lifebooks operate as a neutral container of the child’s life story line.

12. Builds foundation for attachment When you value my history, recognize my journey through difficulty and show I’m a survivor, it establishes that parents are strong enough to know the my story, accept it and love me–the real child who lived that story.

10 Great Things about Story Time: Beyond the Simple Page Turn

Books offer an amazingly rich resource for adoptive families. Beyond pretty illustrations or entertaining story lines, they offer adoptive families so much more. Here are ten benefits to consider.

1. Books create a cuddly moment when parent and child focus on a joint activity. This makes it an example of the proverbial “quality time” dearly sought by busy parents.

2. Reading together offers a great chance for dialog as parent and child chat about the story, ask and answer questions that arise and explore the illustrations. Parents may be quite surprised by the content of these discussions. Often hidden beliefs, misunderstandings and fears are exposed. Parents can correct any misconceptions, address any fears or concerns and enjoy discovering their child’s view of the world.

3. Reading together demonstrates that parents believe in the value of reading. This sends an important message because reading is a basic skill for school survival and success.

4. Books open a window onto a wider world. This allows children to learn how other kids think about and handle their adoption. This introduces them to their adoptive peer group which helps them understand they are not the only one in the adoption “boat.” They also discover that adoption, like families can take many shapes and look quite varied.

5. Books operate as mirrors when they include illustrations and story lines that reflect a child’s lived experience. A child’s shelf should include books that value who and what he is. They must depict more than the majority culture. Adoptive families have a vested interest in supporting multicultural books and “differences. After all adoption itself is a “different” way of building a family.

6. Adoption books can help children work through some of the “hard stuff” that is part of the task adoptees face. Be sure the family bookshelf is stocked with several quality books about adoption. This allows kids to choose a specific book from their shelf. Savvy parents will follow a child’s lead and will be aware of how a book affects their child. Read all or part of a book. Completion is not the goal. Connection and understanding is.

7. If kids never ask for an adoption book, put on your detective’s hat to discover why. Do you have a wide enough selection? Have you clearly conveyed that adoption is a welcome topic in the family? Verify that your child understands that adoption is a permitted topic. Many kids–accurately or not–believe that talking about their adoption distresses or overwhelms their parents. Other kids fear that bringing up the “harder stuff” might cause parents to “send them back.” In the absence of clearly demonstrated permissions, kids will stuff their curiosity, concerns and worries. Instead of depending on the parent, these kids shoulder their worries and stresses alone.

8. Books offer an easy non-threatening way for kids to bring up adoption. A child will rarely ask, “I’d like to talk about adoption.” But they will frequently pick a book off the shelf and request that it be read.

9. The same is true for parents. If they suspect a child is struggling with a part of his adoption experience, a book can offer a neutral way of introducing the topic.

10. Books can suggest ways of thinking about, handling and discussing adoption that neither the child or parent might develop on their own.

And a bonus:

11. When parent and child share a book that touches them deeply, that enables them to face the “big stuff” as a team, their relationship grows more intimate. Rooted in truth. Forged through facing difficulty together, their connection strengthens because they know it can handle their mutual reality, “warts and all.” Parents become the parachute that brings them safely to land on their feet.

In recent years, now-adult adoptees have spoken in great numbers to tell what did and did not work for them growing up adopted, as well as what they wish had happened. Their courage has expanded our understanding of what an adopted child needs. Their voice provides an inside track to understanding because they live(d) adoption. Their experience is undiluted, first-hand.

We must recognize that the voices of adult adoptees are precious, valid and offer an invaluable insight into the adoption experience. Their hard-won wisdom represents a treasure of insight to adoption professionals and adoptive parents and lights a path to a healthier adoption experience moving forward. Significant change has occurred in adoption practice during the past two decades and so much more remains to be done. We must be dedicated to our children’s Truth with at LEAST as much passion as we pursued their joining our families. Adoption is not a fairy tale with a perfect happily-ever-after ending. It’s complicated, rooted in loss and often clouded in euphemism. Listening to adoptees’ voices shows that we care about them, value their honesty and acknowledge that their adoption was/is not all rose petals and sunshine. Their losses are genuine and worthy of recognition. Books offer an excellent channel to accomplish that.

And Tango Makes Three in a Family That Is Not Like Others

As adoptive parents we thoroughly understand that families come in a stunning array of sizes, colors and combinations. We work earnestly to help the world to see and accept our families as legitimate. It is important for us to support all different kinds of families, to help spread understanding and respect for parents of every shade and stripe.

And Tango Makes Three is a charming book that presents a sweet story of “family as different” but still very much a family. On the flyleaf of the book is this quote: “In the zoo there are all kinds of animal families. But Tango’s family is not like any of the others.“

While its characters are animals, its message of kindness and tolerance rings true for humans. Tango is a chinstrap penguin who lived in the Central Park Zoo in Manhattan, New York. His mother had more babies than she could raise, so Tango was placed with other parents. The metaphor for adoption will be obvious to children who are adopted. It will appeal to all kids because they like to know that parents are always going to be there for them to rely on.

Back to the story line. Remember, this is based on a actual events. The zoo keepers deliberated carefully and finally chose parents to care for and incubate the egg. They selected a bonded pair of males–Roy and Silo–to be the new parents for the unhatched egg. They developed into nurturing parents who successfully hatched Tango and cared for him exactly the same way the other penguin parents cared for their babies. In one way Tango’s family was quite different from the other penguin families: he has two daddies. But in every other respect, Tango’s family was just like all the others. The story line

The message of tolerance and inclusion in the story is clear but not overbearing. The overarching tone is one of caring, kindness and connection, of seeing families loving and being loved. The beautiful pastel illustrations by Henry Cole create a soft, dreamy backdrop for a tender story.

“Forever Fingerprints”–A Legacy

The wonderful adoption classic, Forever Fingerprints by Sherrie Eldridge is being reissued by Jessica Kingsley Publishers. An adoptee and a staunch advocate for adoptive families writes, who LIVES the adoption journey, Sherrie connects with adoptees’ hearts and validates their experience. Forever Fingerprints, a picture book serves a younger audience than Sherrie’s other books. Behind its simple story line, Forever Fingerprints models adoption-attuned* relationships. It speaks to child and parent. As an adoption coach as well as an adoptive parent, I know it is important for parents to clearly establish that adoption is a suitable topic for family discussion. While this may seem obvious, to children it is not. In the absence of expressed permission, kids will assume that adoptions conversations are off limits. They will fear that it might hurt their (adoptive) parents if they talk about their concerns, mixed feelings and sharing their thoughts about their birth parents. And so, many wrestle with heavy worries weighing down their hearts. Forever Fingerprints is an easy and enjoyable way for parents to talk about some of the “hard stuff” of adoption.

Forever Fingerprints, captures a common moment in an adoptee’s life—being blindsided by a routine event that triggers a young girl’s awareness of loss or difference which results from being adopted. Specifically, Lucy discovers that her aunt is pregnant. Lucy is tickled to discover she can feel the baby move when she taps her aunt’s stomach. It is easy to see how this leads Lucy to wonder about her own birth mother. This story helps reassure Lucy that like all children, she too, was nurtured inside her birth mother’s body. And, just like other babies, she was born. Research has shown that many adoptees experience confusion around their origins. Some even imagine they were “hatched” or arrived by airplane. Forever Fingerprints presents offers a teaching moment that helps normalizes Lucy’s own origins. Parents can ask their children to share their ideas of their own birth. (Be prepared to be surprised by what they think!) I like how Eldridge has used fingerprints to establish both the child’s uniqueness as well as her connection to her birth parents.

I have shared this book with children who have no information about their birth parents and no possibility of communicating with them at adulthood. These children still have curiosity about and longing for connecting with their roots. They feel the weight of this void. Having the fingerprint link assisted them in feeling that they had a permanent reflection of their birth parents. In Forever Fingerprints, Lucy’s mother is attuned to her daughter’s roller-coaster emotions. Mom validates Lucy’s feelings and helps her to see several ways in which her birth parents exist within Lucy. This serves as a wonderful model for both parent and child readers. Parents have an example of how to handle the situations. Children have an example that it is both safe and reasonable to have questions and feelings. I recommend this book because it helps both parent and child. Families can easily replicate the fingerprinting activity.

On one of our GIFT Family Services retreats, we completed a similar project—a fingerprint tree. (View our creation at left.) Although very simple, we were all touched by the experience as we could see how each of our fingerprints enhanced the beauty of the tree. This is a wonderful metaphor for the value of difference. How boring life would be if we were all the same! Even the “finger paint” cover art supports the metaphor. Remember how much fun it was to slide your fingers through the cool, squishy colors? Why not join your children in creating a fingerpaint drawing? Perhaps it can be the cover for your child’s life book. “Forever Fingerprints” is available for preorder. Jessica Kingsley Publishers officially launches this new issue on Oct. 21, 2014. It will be available in both hardcover and Kindle formats.

Sherrie Eldridge Amazon Author page Sherrie’s Website

*Adoption-attunement—AQ—considers how adoption influences a child and includes:

Adoption-sensitive parenting techniques
Sound adoption language
Knowledge of the attachment process
Consideration of grief and loss issues
Respect for birth parents
Modeling healthy boundaries
Educating family, friends and teachers on adoption
Remembering that a child’s story belongs to him
Recognizing that adoption is a family experience
Encouraging playfulness and good humor as a family value
Integrating a child’s birth heritage

Kids and Adults Face the Power to Choose–A conversation and a Book Review

Children enjoy being able to decide things for themselves. As parents we often make the bulk of the decisions in our children’s lives. Most of us understand that decision making is a skill. Like all skills, mastery only comes through practice. Long before kids become proficient decision makers, they will plod through many errors in judgment. As parents, we face a learning curve too–when is it “safe” for kids to make a choice and when must the decision fall on our shoulders?

One time-tested strategy most parents utilize: giving kids limited options. For example, “Do you want to wear the red shirt or the green one?” Or, “Would you like to brush your teeth with this toothpaste or the other flavor?” Gradually, we release control and they assume it. When a decision flops, we help them extract the learning and then encourage them to try again. Failure is the stepping stone to proficiency not the end of the world. We help them to notice how their decision-making skills are improving. We eliminate the expectation that they will bat a perfect game and open the space to try, and try again. Always, we highlight the learning instead of the error. Throughout the process, we are there as a safety net to protect them from major missteps.

This week, I want to introduce you to an award-winning book written by Suzin Helen Carr and illustrated by her then seven-year-old son. Aptly titled “I Choose,” the book visits various moments when a child–or adult–is called upon to make a choice. For example, what to wear, how to feel, what to see, do, eat or play. The darling illustrations bring the ideas to life in a way that will appeal to kids. I think it will increase their ability to notice and appreciate the many “choosing” opportunities that occur in their day.

The message of “I Choose,” will certainly resonate with adults who share the book with their child. Suzin has also written a version of “I Choose too” an adult version of this illuminating book . Readers can breeze through this short gem of a book very quickly. Better yet, pause and explore each page. There’s an endless possibility for talking with your child. You just might be surprised by what you discover about one another. From Suzin’s website:

“Chandler J. Carr was age 7 when he drew the artwork in this book. He plays wonderful guitar, loves video games and drawing and wants to be a video game designer when he grows up. He says that one of the most special things about him is his creative mind.

Suzin H. Carr is the author of I Choose, I Choose Too!, and Yo Elijo, the wife of James, and the mother of Chandler. She lives in Lutz, Florida where she juggles the life she chooses and is grateful for countless blessings and immeasurable joy.

She is available to speak to your local school, club, or Scout Troop. Topics include the message of the book, the book printing process, its impact on a 7 year old, and following your dream as an artist or writer.”

Why Adoptive Families Should Read “Bullied” by Carrie Goldman

Last week, I wrote a blog post for GIFT Family Services (Growing Intentional Families Together) about the important book, “Bullied” . Carrie Goldman, the author of this marvelous book is also an adoptive parent. She writes “Portrait of an Adoption” for “Chicago Now”. Portrait of an Adoption” is a regular feature. During the month of November, Carrie will again be posting 30 Portraits of Adoption. –adoption stories written by thirty guest writers. Each will feature a unique angle on the adoption journey. This is a wonderful project which I highly recommend. (Read last year’s “Thirty Portraits”. Carrie’s blog covers lots of important adoption issues and includes her list of Adoption Books for Kids: A reading List for Children and Teens in Adoptive & Foster Families

While most of the posts on this blog focus on great books for children, I believe that as adoptive parents, we have a huge interest in resolving the epidemic of bullying which has swept our culture. Increasingly, the margins for acceptability have narrowed, the definition of normal has tightened. Being different is perceived not only as unacceptable but also as an invitation to humiliate and ostracize anyone–or any FAMILY–that is different. As adoptive families, we are well aware of the differences that separate us from traditionally formed families. We have experienced the prejudice, the askance looks and the intrusive questions which all broadcast a “lesser than” message and to some extent, we have felt bullied by such narrow thinking. We have a vested interest in expanding tolerance, empathy, kindness and the concept of “acceptability.”

Bullied” is a wonderful book filled with tested strategies for both children and adults. These suggestions are compiled to reflect age-appropriate choices. (What is a good idea for a second-grader to do or say varies greatly from the choices suggested for a middle-schooler or an adult.) An essential part of her thesis: start young. The earlier that we teach (and model) tolerance and empathy, the more effective and easier it is for kids to embrace. Adults have a firm calling, to model respectful behavior and parenting methods, to intervene when appropriate and to advocate for change. We must be the change we want to see. Plant your first seed of change by reading Bullied“.