Valentine Lullaby

This week we celebrate Valentine’s Day and the gift that is love. What greater blessing than that of a mother’s love? It is exquisitely depicted in the book, Lullaby (for a Black Mother.) Based on the Langston Hughes poem, it is illustrated by Sean Qualls in acrylic, pencil and collage.

This lovely book beautifully captures the intimacy of a bedtime ritual. The text is melodious, soothing and accompanied by pictures in the perfect palette of soft hues of blues, purples and aqua.

When I view the book’s universal theme of mother/child connection through the lens of adoption-attunement, what do I notice?

First, in contrast to the “color blind” approach often advocated, the poem highlights the baby’s race: “My little black baby/My dark body’s baby.” Color is a point of connection, of joy, of beauty. Race is not erased, over-looked or ignored; it is celebrated.

Second, for trans-racially adopted children, this book might open a conversation about how his birth mother might have held him and sung similar feelings. This would be a lovely idea to plant in a child’s heart and provides a concrete way of living an attitude of respect for a child’s birth family.

Regardless of race, this is a visual delight, an evocative and calming bedtime read.

10 Great Things about Story Time: Beyond the Simple Page Turn

Books offer an amazingly rich resource for adoptive families. Beyond pretty illustrations or entertaining story lines, they offer adoptive families so much more. Here are ten benefits to consider.

1. Books create a cuddly moment when parent and child focus on a joint activity. This makes it an example of the proverbial “quality time” dearly sought by busy parents.

2. Reading together offers a great chance for dialog as parent and child chat about the story, ask and answer questions that arise and explore the illustrations. Parents may be quite surprised by the content of these discussions. Often hidden beliefs, misunderstandings and fears are exposed. Parents can correct any misconceptions, address any fears or concerns and enjoy discovering their child’s view of the world.

3. Reading together demonstrates that parents believe in the value of reading. This sends an important message because reading is a basic skill for school survival and success.

4. Books open a window onto a wider world. This allows children to learn how other kids think about and handle their adoption. This introduces them to their adoptive peer group which helps them understand they are not the only one in the adoption “boat.” They also discover that adoption, like families can take many shapes and look quite varied.

5. Books operate as mirrors when they include illustrations and story lines that reflect a child’s lived experience. A child’s shelf should include books that value who and what he is. They must depict more than the majority culture. Adoptive families have a vested interest in supporting multicultural books and “differences. After all adoption itself is a “different” way of building a family.

6. Adoption books can help children work through some of the “hard stuff” that is part of the task adoptees face. Be sure the family bookshelf is stocked with several quality books about adoption. This allows kids to choose a specific book from their shelf. Savvy parents will follow a child’s lead and will be aware of how a book affects their child. Read all or part of a book. Completion is not the goal. Connection and understanding is.

7. If kids never ask for an adoption book, put on your detective’s hat to discover why. Do you have a wide enough selection? Have you clearly conveyed that adoption is a welcome topic in the family? Verify that your child understands that adoption is a permitted topic. Many kids–accurately or not–believe that talking about their adoption distresses or overwhelms their parents. Other kids fear that bringing up the “harder stuff” might cause parents to “send them back.” In the absence of clearly demonstrated permissions, kids will stuff their curiosity, concerns and worries. Instead of depending on the parent, these kids shoulder their worries and stresses alone.

8. Books offer an easy non-threatening way for kids to bring up adoption. A child will rarely ask, “I’d like to talk about adoption.” But they will frequently pick a book off the shelf and request that it be read.

9. The same is true for parents. If they suspect a child is struggling with a part of his adoption experience, a book can offer a neutral way of introducing the topic.

10. Books can suggest ways of thinking about, handling and discussing adoption that neither the child or parent might develop on their own.

And a bonus:

11. When parent and child share a book that touches them deeply, that enables them to face the “big stuff” as a team, their relationship grows more intimate. Rooted in truth. Forged through facing difficulty together, their connection strengthens because they know it can handle their mutual reality, “warts and all.” Parents become the parachute that brings them safely to land on their feet.

In recent years, now-adult adoptees have spoken in great numbers to tell what did and did not work for them growing up adopted, as well as what they wish had happened. Their courage has expanded our understanding of what an adopted child needs. Their voice provides an inside track to understanding because they live(d) adoption. Their experience is undiluted, first-hand.

We must recognize that the voices of adult adoptees are precious, valid and offer an invaluable insight into the adoption experience. Their hard-won wisdom represents a treasure of insight to adoption professionals and adoptive parents and lights a path to a healthier adoption experience moving forward. Significant change has occurred in adoption practice during the past two decades and so much more remains to be done. We must be dedicated to our children’s Truth with at LEAST as much passion as we pursued their joining our families. Adoption is not a fairy tale with a perfect happily-ever-after ending. It’s complicated, rooted in loss and often clouded in euphemism. Listening to adoptees’ voices shows that we care about them, value their honesty and acknowledge that their adoption was/is not all rose petals and sunshine. Their losses are genuine and worthy of recognition. Books offer an excellent channel to accomplish that.

And Tango Makes Three in a Family That Is Not Like Others

As adoptive parents we thoroughly understand that families come in a stunning array of sizes, colors and combinations. We work earnestly to help the world to see and accept our families as legitimate. It is important for us to support all different kinds of families, to help spread understanding and respect for parents of every shade and stripe.

And Tango Makes Three is a charming book that presents a sweet story of “family as different” but still very much a family. On the flyleaf of the book is this quote: “In the zoo there are all kinds of animal families. But Tango’s family is not like any of the others.“

While its characters are animals, its message of kindness and tolerance rings true for humans. Tango is a chinstrap penguin who lived in the Central Park Zoo in Manhattan, New York. His mother had more babies than she could raise, so Tango was placed with other parents. The metaphor for adoption will be obvious to children who are adopted. It will appeal to all kids because they like to know that parents are always going to be there for them to rely on.

Back to the story line. Remember, this is based on a actual events. The zoo keepers deliberated carefully and finally chose parents to care for and incubate the egg. They selected a bonded pair of males–Roy and Silo–to be the new parents for the unhatched egg. They developed into nurturing parents who successfully hatched Tango and cared for him exactly the same way the other penguin parents cared for their babies. In one way Tango’s family was quite different from the other penguin families: he has two daddies. But in every other respect, Tango’s family was just like all the others. The story line

The message of tolerance and inclusion in the story is clear but not overbearing. The overarching tone is one of caring, kindness and connection, of seeing families loving and being loved. The beautiful pastel illustrations by Henry Cole create a soft, dreamy backdrop for a tender story.

10 Awesome Reasons for Reading As a Family

10. Children learn language from hearing it spoken. Seems rather obvious, but this doesn’t make it any less true. The more words children hear, the more they know and understand. Changes in pace, inflection and tone help to set words apart so children can hear and understand them more efficiently.

9. Reading often means reading repeatedly. Again, this helps to reinforce and accelerate learning and comprehension. This is an essential foundation for literacy, an important life skill.

8. When you spend time reading together, kids learn that you value reading. This sets a great model for them to follow and lays the groundwork for a lifetime reading habit.

7. Your reading selections will reveal and teach your values. Choose stories that enlarge your child’s understanding of his world and his importance in it.

6. Read stories that show children facing a variety of situations and reveal many different solutions. This will expand your children’s problem solving skills, will encourage a willingness to risk failure and learn his way to success and mastery.

5. Share stories that reveal the depth of his cultural heritage as well as that of other people. Find stories that depict images that allow him to see himself reflected in the pictures as well as the content. This will enhance his understanding of his roots, his family, and himself.

4. Expose your child to stories that explore many cultures from around the world. Help him to grow into an empathetic, caring global citizen.

3. Read for fun. Find books that entertain and tickle the funny bone. It is essential to spend time having fun as a family and good books is one great way to do that.

2. Your time and attention are an essential priority to your children. When you interrupt your “To Do” list to share a book with your child, they get a clear message that they are important to you.

Drum roll please. And the TOP reason for reading together as a family is …

1. A good book shared in a parent’s lap creates a sensory memory—of being close, connected, and shared experiences. Relationships and attachment are strengthened in these shared, pleasant moments. They are the building blocks of family life, of a family’s history together. Positive experiences build resilience and help to rset the negative hits of daily challenges. Read, laugh and love as a family.

Sharing Wishes Opens a Window to a Child’s Heart

Some people collect stamps, some people collect coins. I collect books. I believe in books. I turn to them for entertainment, for information, for comfort and for community. As an author, I view books as my channel for touching reader’s hearts and lives. As an adoptive parent and adoption coach, I search for books that enrich and nurture adoptive families.

Recently I learned of a picture book gem—Wish: Wishing Traditions around the World by Roseanne Thong, illustrated by Elisa Kleven. While this lovely book has no direct adoption themes, it is still a delightful resource for adoptive families. The multimedia illustrations are a treasure. Rich in detail, children will pore over them with pleasure not only for their intricate beauty, but also to find the hidden treasures that Kleven has incorporated into the illustrations.

The theme of the book—wishing—resonates with readers, adults, and children alike. The international flavor that infuses the books is an added bonus. Roseann Thong has selected a fascinating array of unique traditions from around the globe. These easily lend themselves to enrichment experiences based on the tradition described in the home or classroom. Some of the wishing traditions offer an irresistible urge to perform. Talk about the various things children around the world wish for. Ask children to imagine what it would be like to yearn for that wish. Ask them to consider being that child and discuss the feelings and ideas that the wish evokes. This is a great way to raise awareness of the differences between American standards of living and that of other countries and to assist them in developing empathy.

I love books that have layers of experience for young readers. Wish is certainly one of these books. It will expand a child’s view of the world. And, as adults ask children to share their personal wishes, a wonderful window opens—the child reveals the secret yearnings of their hearts’ dreams. Wish offers an opportunity for some intimate and honest sharing—the kind of connection all families–especially adoptive families–want to nurture and cherish. The exquisitely detailed multi-media illustrations are a wonderful metaphor for the complexities of a family; each element contributes to the beauty of the whole. Wish is a quality addition to a family’s multicultural library and will contribute to a child’s ability to see himself as a global citizen, a member of an increasingly interconnected and interdependent and diverse world.